Tuesday 26 March 2013
Monday 5 March 2012
ENO .... WORKS IN SECONDS !!!!
WASSAPAGARAZZ my people !
Klat king says ...... LEGOOOOOOH !
If ur boss akileta nyef nyef , tunafanya niniii ? LEGOOOOOH !
Bibi ama Bwana akileta nyef nyef , tunafanya niniii ? LEGOOOOOOH !
Lakini kama unasoma hii kwa math3, ka ofisi, na unaskia kushuta usi fanye niniiii ???
Usi ..... LEGOOOOOOH :-)
Wsup good people, been a fresh second ,but am back in ya faces wit a bang ! And what is wrong with you guys from Naivasha na Nakuru. You know all the crazy ish** we read in the papers or vibe we catch on T.V. kujaz from those sides !
Kama gazo (gazeti) ya leo ... ati some dendei umad anaa mami her lips juu alitaka kuhepa na bwana yake ! hehe !
Wachana na hiyo, theaz a storo i heard that thea was this guy and he wanted to get rid of this clingy shawtie , so akaamua kununua ENO !!!
Yessss, ile Eno ya " works in seconds ", i think he was for the idea it would work in seconds ! Anyhu alinunua, kisha akaiweka chini ya pillow !
So the dendei, like clock work visits the nikka for her ka romping shop spree :-)
After ma ninio ( PG 21 ) ... :-) they ate ka-fry na ka-sembe and proceeded to catch a snooze.
Vile wamedozz , manzi aliamshwa na mateke ! Alaaa !!!
The Nyeri in her ilikuwa ready kuFAYAAAA !!! :-)
But on further inspection she saw that the guy was foaming from the mouth ! Waaaaah !!! Msee ako na kifafa !
Bosssss, huyo woman-DE ( the chic )vile hakutaka mikosi hakuonekana tena since that day.
It was later revealed after they slept , the nikka popped the Eno from under his pillow into his mouth and so his epileptic fiasco ensued !!! Now we know ENO WORKS in SECONDS ! :-)
He was later quoted saying " Kifafa, ndoo JIBU ya hawa ma HANGER " ( women who cling )
AND the JOKE of the DAY :
( ** i know you guys had missed this segment ** )
The Talking Frog
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole, a par three, when he notices a frog sitting near the second tee. He thinks nothing of it and is about to strike the ball when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his 6 iron away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think, frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best round of golf of his life and asks the frog, "Okay, where to next?"
The frog replied, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Okay, frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replied, "Ribbit. $3000. Black 6." Now, this is a
35-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Black 6 hits, and he makes $105,000.
Tons of chips comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replied, "Ribbit. Kiss me." He figures why not, since
after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the
frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
LMAO !!!!
So my good people ukikamatwa , JITETEE vilivyo ! JITETEE !! Sema ni CHURA !!! hehehe !
BrrrrrraaaaP !!! CHOKA Sssssssaaana !!!!!!
KLAT OUT !!!!
Klat king says ...... LEGOOOOOOH !
If ur boss akileta nyef nyef , tunafanya niniii ? LEGOOOOOH !
Bibi ama Bwana akileta nyef nyef , tunafanya niniii ? LEGOOOOOOH !
Lakini kama unasoma hii kwa math3, ka ofisi, na unaskia kushuta usi fanye niniiii ???
Usi ..... LEGOOOOOOH :-)
Wsup good people, been a fresh second ,but am back in ya faces wit a bang ! And what is wrong with you guys from Naivasha na Nakuru. You know all the crazy ish** we read in the papers or vibe we catch on T.V. kujaz from those sides !
Kama gazo (gazeti) ya leo ... ati some dendei umad anaa mami her lips juu alitaka kuhepa na bwana yake ! hehe !
Wachana na hiyo, theaz a storo i heard that thea was this guy and he wanted to get rid of this clingy shawtie , so akaamua kununua ENO !!!
Yessss, ile Eno ya " works in seconds ", i think he was for the idea it would work in seconds ! Anyhu alinunua, kisha akaiweka chini ya pillow !
So the dendei, like clock work visits the nikka for her ka romping shop spree :-)
After ma ninio ( PG 21 ) ... :-) they ate ka-fry na ka-sembe and proceeded to catch a snooze.
Vile wamedozz , manzi aliamshwa na mateke ! Alaaa !!!
The Nyeri in her ilikuwa ready kuFAYAAAA !!! :-)
But on further inspection she saw that the guy was foaming from the mouth ! Waaaaah !!! Msee ako na kifafa !
Bosssss, huyo woman-DE ( the chic )vile hakutaka mikosi hakuonekana tena since that day.
It was later revealed after they slept , the nikka popped the Eno from under his pillow into his mouth and so his epileptic fiasco ensued !!! Now we know ENO WORKS in SECONDS ! :-)
He was later quoted saying " Kifafa, ndoo JIBU ya hawa ma HANGER " ( women who cling )
AND the JOKE of the DAY :
( ** i know you guys had missed this segment ** )
The Talking Frog
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole, a par three, when he notices a frog sitting near the second tee. He thinks nothing of it and is about to strike the ball when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his 6 iron away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think, frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best round of golf of his life and asks the frog, "Okay, where to next?"
The frog replied, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Okay, frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replied, "Ribbit. $3000. Black 6." Now, this is a
35-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Black 6 hits, and he makes $105,000.
Tons of chips comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replied, "Ribbit. Kiss me." He figures why not, since
after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the
frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
LMAO !!!!
So my good people ukikamatwa , JITETEE vilivyo ! JITETEE !! Sema ni CHURA !!! hehehe !
BrrrrrraaaaP !!! CHOKA Sssssssaaana !!!!!!
KLAT OUT !!!!
Monday 13 February 2012
NYEREH WOMEN ON THE RAMPAGE !!! Happy Valentines :-)
NYEREH NYEREH NYEREH !!! Iko nini mnatumaliza hivi wasichana wa NYEREH ! GAI FAFA !!!
So i have not been the perfect husband or lover and yes you equate my love making skills to that of a hamster
( ati i am a Tha-teeh-FAE (35) sec man ) , but does that mean you have to pour hot water on my bare CONAN chest when am trynna catch a snooze ??
Nandee unanigatha gatha na panga , Gaki ! Gaki ! Avaisekee vakothomarisa , one pai one
( Disclaimer : Rants and Raves of a Kisii mad man )
And the torture si physical peke yake ! Sasa mtu akikuambia " Unajiita dume, mudu wa nyuba, na Hata hujui kuniwekerea mpaka nikarainika kama kashati kamepakwo pasi ! " Surely ???
Waaaah ! A man loses moral bana ! Lungula ushaambiwa imechapa ! Ume beat ku BEAT msee wa nguyas
( yaani uv chapaad my guy ) , even when the Mrs. is not around and your watching a porn flick you face ultimate rejection .... ultimate rejection meaning, mpaka your ka own hand falls asleep while masturbating. Ma-Q this is no laughing matter it is psychological tra-UMA , if ur hands saree ur own vibe !! Alafu mtu anachemsha maji anakurushia ukilala ! SHETANI :-)
Tafadhali , msitumalize !!!! A cry from a man who daz not want to face such tra-UMA made me write about this ! He fears such tra-UMA can destroy his life and well being ! :-)
Moving along, kesho ni siku ya ma ninio , ma flower, ma shugwa, ma tu mapera, ma choku, ma lingerie
(pronounced roh -jah-reeeh ) :-)
Kesho is valentines and since women are complaining they need a good man in their lives i saw this somewhere and i thought why not let you , the lady, decide among the 7 types of men listed below, which one do you want to BAG for yourself :-)
And here they are : The 7 Most Important Men in a Woman's Life
1) The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
2) The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
3) The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
4) The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
5) The Interior Designer - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
6) The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
7) The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
So i have not been the perfect husband or lover and yes you equate my love making skills to that of a hamster
( ati i am a Tha-teeh-FAE (35) sec man ) , but does that mean you have to pour hot water on my bare CONAN chest when am trynna catch a snooze ??
Nandee unanigatha gatha na panga , Gaki ! Gaki ! Avaisekee vakothomarisa , one pai one
( Disclaimer : Rants and Raves of a Kisii mad man )
And the torture si physical peke yake ! Sasa mtu akikuambia " Unajiita dume, mudu wa nyuba, na Hata hujui kuniwekerea mpaka nikarainika kama kashati kamepakwo pasi ! " Surely ???
Waaaah ! A man loses moral bana ! Lungula ushaambiwa imechapa ! Ume beat ku BEAT msee wa nguyas
( yaani uv chapaad my guy ) , even when the Mrs. is not around and your watching a porn flick you face ultimate rejection .... ultimate rejection meaning, mpaka your ka own hand falls asleep while masturbating. Ma-Q this is no laughing matter it is psychological tra-UMA , if ur hands saree ur own vibe !! Alafu mtu anachemsha maji anakurushia ukilala ! SHETANI :-)
Tafadhali , msitumalize !!!! A cry from a man who daz not want to face such tra-UMA made me write about this ! He fears such tra-UMA can destroy his life and well being ! :-)
Moving along, kesho ni siku ya ma ninio , ma flower, ma shugwa, ma tu mapera, ma choku, ma lingerie
(pronounced roh -jah-reeeh ) :-)
Kesho is valentines and since women are complaining they need a good man in their lives i saw this somewhere and i thought why not let you , the lady, decide among the 7 types of men listed below, which one do you want to BAG for yourself :-)
And here they are : The 7 Most Important Men in a Woman's Life
1) The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
2) The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
3) The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
4) The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
5) The Interior Designer - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
6) The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
7) The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
HAPPY VALENTINES :-)
Special shout out to my homegal Val ! Mad support !
CHOKA Ssssssana !
KLAT OUT !!!
Monday 9 January 2012
FUNNY TITS and A RABBIT :-)
2012 ! Am Alive !!! ITA WAITERRRRR, ITA WAITER !!!
Twololo !
My nikkas !!! What ...a ....holiday , what a party that was right ? Actually those were so many panties i attended ... Ooops :-) i meant parties , lol !
So siesta off, enter Klat King and si i have stories to tell ! Wacha kwanza i line em up in an orderly fashion and start posting 'em from kesho, but just a quick one, was in Harare like a month ago and i met this friend of mine who took me to a stripper bar where the stippers had this tight tops ..... okay they had no tops but u get the idea, the ka top was so tight mpaka skin showed literary ! :-)
So my stripper ... :-)....she .................her name was Candy Boots :-) and boy did she have a bag of sweets !!!
Nw am not saying i had me a taste of candy but lets just say i acquired a sweet tooth :-)
The location of confusion where mammary glands dance salsa on their own as if possessed by Mexican voodoo was called FUNNY TITS ! ( i.e. the name of the bar dimwit )
Nw before you jump to any wishy washy ideas like me , u can let me explain , coz at first i thought like i was going to enter as see like tits painted like clowns and the painted double D JUGS :-) would tell jokes and i would laugh while having a boner at the same time ! :-) Well ... that was not the case !
Lets just say the tits told a joke at the end of the day.
:-)
So i proceeded to order from the "professional dancer" menu :-) the " IRISH JOKE " which cost me 4 dollars and a quot of lager for a dollar-five
(side note: that is how u say 1.5 dollars )
So fast forwarding the tale of "funny tits" :-) i got a "professional dance" ...lol, from Miss CANDY Boots and during her well presented jig she read this to me :
" Paddy who is Irish, wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the Irish accountancy exam.
Twololo !
My nikkas !!! What ...a ....holiday , what a party that was right ? Actually those were so many panties i attended ... Ooops :-) i meant parties , lol !
So siesta off, enter Klat King and si i have stories to tell ! Wacha kwanza i line em up in an orderly fashion and start posting 'em from kesho, but just a quick one, was in Harare like a month ago and i met this friend of mine who took me to a stripper bar where the stippers had this tight tops ..... okay they had no tops but u get the idea, the ka top was so tight mpaka skin showed literary ! :-)
So my stripper ... :-)....she .................her name was Candy Boots :-) and boy did she have a bag of sweets !!!
Nw am not saying i had me a taste of candy but lets just say i acquired a sweet tooth :-)
The location of confusion where mammary glands dance salsa on their own as if possessed by Mexican voodoo was called FUNNY TITS ! ( i.e. the name of the bar dimwit )
Nw before you jump to any wishy washy ideas like me , u can let me explain , coz at first i thought like i was going to enter as see like tits painted like clowns and the painted double D JUGS :-) would tell jokes and i would laugh while having a boner at the same time ! :-) Well ... that was not the case !
Lets just say the tits told a joke at the end of the day.
:-)
So i proceeded to order from the "professional dancer" menu :-) the " IRISH JOKE " which cost me 4 dollars and a quot of lager for a dollar-five
(side note: that is how u say 1.5 dollars )
So fast forwarding the tale of "funny tits" :-) i got a "professional dance" ...lol, from Miss CANDY Boots and during her well presented jig she read this to me :
" Paddy who is Irish, wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the Irish accountancy exam.
Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?
Paddy: Five.
Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Five.
Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Paddy: Four.
Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Five.
Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home! "
N then she pulled a rabbit out of her ass !!!!!
Hahahaha ! Of cos she did NOT !!!! :-)
2012 KLAT KING GOES VIRAL ! You have been warned ! Ujinga HAITAPUNGUA !!!
Oh and one other thing .... heard this from a certain rabbit that yo mama bought for christmas ....
" Yo mama so dirty that you can’t tell where the dirt stops and she begins."
Hahaha, Ouuuuuuch !
CHOKA SSSSSSSSANA !
KLAT OUT !
Friday 2 December 2011
WEAVE ON THE RUN !!!!
AWOOOOOOH !!!
wassup good people, ati mnasambaza ma rumour ati KLAT KING died ??? where ?How ? GOMONGO !!! kama ulienda matanga yake basi inua mkono, kama si hivo, keti chini mzeeiya ! CHOKA SSSSSSSSSANA !!!
:-)
Jobo been stressing a nikka so am just giving you guys a shout out to know am still here wit ya , got a couple of projects under my belt ( heey ladies .... " UNDER MY BELT " ...* wink wink * .... ) n that was not in any way sexual, coz we all know wats under my belt n thats a zipper :-)
More on that and i am not responsible for your actions :-)
Gotta bounce, but before that ,WHO THE F*** is that guy who reads the gazeti wit Jimmy Gathu in the morning on citizen ??? Next post tunaFAGILIA mtu ! check out madd traxx's new joint ITA WAITER !!! December should rock.
1814 goes to coast , 9th -12 Dec, haha, ama defntly come back wit ALOT to tell !!!
AHI , is up and running check out the FB page , like it , be active n help a needy child, lets BRIDGE THE GAP ! Inspired by the wife, :-) Gakii Biriri
Juts a quick one before I KLAT out
If you know u wear a weave , pliz tell the hair dress to fix that thing proper , its embarassing you dont have an umbrella n your getting rained on , but the wind blows and ur weave goes off looking for other weaves on the run.
Worse .... you break a heel chasing after it na unajua hizo ni viatu uliomba nani ... damn shawty , i feel for you n the factory that manufactured that hair and we all know ur girlfriend is gonna WILD OUT on ur ass bout her shoes :-)
Am just saying the TAG on the weave should read : please keep away from A GUST OF WIND :-)
KLAT OUT !!! BRAP !!!
wassup good people, ati mnasambaza ma rumour ati KLAT KING died ??? where ?How ? GOMONGO !!! kama ulienda matanga yake basi inua mkono, kama si hivo, keti chini mzeeiya ! CHOKA SSSSSSSSSANA !!!
:-)
Jobo been stressing a nikka so am just giving you guys a shout out to know am still here wit ya , got a couple of projects under my belt ( heey ladies .... " UNDER MY BELT " ...* wink wink * .... ) n that was not in any way sexual, coz we all know wats under my belt n thats a zipper :-)
More on that and i am not responsible for your actions :-)
Gotta bounce, but before that ,WHO THE F*** is that guy who reads the gazeti wit Jimmy Gathu in the morning on citizen ??? Next post tunaFAGILIA mtu ! check out madd traxx's new joint ITA WAITER !!! December should rock.
1814 goes to coast , 9th -12 Dec, haha, ama defntly come back wit ALOT to tell !!!
AHI , is up and running check out the FB page , like it , be active n help a needy child, lets BRIDGE THE GAP ! Inspired by the wife, :-) Gakii Biriri
Juts a quick one before I KLAT out
If you know u wear a weave , pliz tell the hair dress to fix that thing proper , its embarassing you dont have an umbrella n your getting rained on , but the wind blows and ur weave goes off looking for other weaves on the run.
Worse .... you break a heel chasing after it na unajua hizo ni viatu uliomba nani ... damn shawty , i feel for you n the factory that manufactured that hair and we all know ur girlfriend is gonna WILD OUT on ur ass bout her shoes :-)
Am just saying the TAG on the weave should read : please keep away from A GUST OF WIND :-)
KLAT OUT !!! BRAP !!!
AWOOOOOOH !!!
wassup good people, ati mnasambaza ma rumour ati KLAT KING died ??? where ?How ? GOMONGO !!! kama ulienda matanga yake basi inua mkono, kama si hivo, keti chini mzeeiya ! CHOKA SSSSSSSSSANA !!!
:-)
Jobo been stressing a nikka so am just giving you guys a shout out to know am still here wit ya , got a couple of projects under my belt ( heey ladies .... " UNDER MY BELT " ...* wink wink * .... ) n that was not in any way sexual, coz we all know wats under my belt n thats a zipper :-)
More on that and i am not responsible for your actions :-)
Gotta bounce, but before that ,WHO THE F*** is that guy who reads the gazeti wit Jimmy Gathu in the morning on citizen ??? Next post tunaFAGILIA mtu ! check out madd traxx's new joint ITA WAITER !!! December should rock.
1814 goes to coast , 9th -12 Dec, haha, ama defntly come back wit ALOT to tell !!!
AHI , is up and running check out the FB page , like it , be active n help a needy child, lets BRIDGE THE GAP ! Inspired by the wife, :-) Gakii Biriri
Juts a quick one before I KLAT out
If you know u wear a weave , pliz tell the hair dress to fix that thing proper , its embarassing you dont have an umbrella n your getting rained on , but the wind blows and ur weave goes off looking for other weaves on the run.
Worse .... you break a heel chasing after it na unajua hizo ni viatu uliomba nani ... damn shawty , i feel for you n the factory that manufactured that hair and we all know ur girlfriend is gonna WILD OUT on ur ass bout her shoes :-)
Am just saying the TAG on the weave should read : please keep away from A GUST OF WIND :-)
KLAT OUT !!! BRAP !!!
wassup good people, ati mnasambaza ma rumour ati KLAT KING died ??? where ?How ? GOMONGO !!! kama ulienda matanga yake basi inua mkono, kama si hivo, keti chini mzeeiya ! CHOKA SSSSSSSSSANA !!!
:-)
Jobo been stressing a nikka so am just giving you guys a shout out to know am still here wit ya , got a couple of projects under my belt ( heey ladies .... " UNDER MY BELT " ...* wink wink * .... ) n that was not in any way sexual, coz we all know wats under my belt n thats a zipper :-)
More on that and i am not responsible for your actions :-)
Gotta bounce, but before that ,WHO THE F*** is that guy who reads the gazeti wit Jimmy Gathu in the morning on citizen ??? Next post tunaFAGILIA mtu ! check out madd traxx's new joint ITA WAITER !!! December should rock.
1814 goes to coast , 9th -12 Dec, haha, ama defntly come back wit ALOT to tell !!!
AHI , is up and running check out the FB page , like it , be active n help a needy child, lets BRIDGE THE GAP ! Inspired by the wife, :-) Gakii Biriri
Juts a quick one before I KLAT out
If you know u wear a weave , pliz tell the hair dress to fix that thing proper , its embarassing you dont have an umbrella n your getting rained on , but the wind blows and ur weave goes off looking for other weaves on the run.
Worse .... you break a heel chasing after it na unajua hizo ni viatu uliomba nani ... damn shawty , i feel for you n the factory that manufactured that hair and we all know ur girlfriend is gonna WILD OUT on ur ass bout her shoes :-)
Am just saying the TAG on the weave should read : please keep away from A GUST OF WIND :-)
KLAT OUT !!! BRAP !!!
Tuesday 25 October 2011
AL SHABEEZY in KENYA and that BREAK UP LETTER !!!
Guess who B-ZAK ???? KLAT KING mara anatha !!! :-)
Wsup fellow klatists , yaani, its been a min yah ??... Me am ready to release all the Ujinga in my head.
The trance in my headphones is telling me that we should all adopt a baby tree and plant it in remembrance of the Most Amazing Woman, a Kenyan, Nobel Peace winner Waangari Mathai , i have my weed tree in the back yard sprouting away, have you planted yours ?
Jivunie kuwa mkenya ! Panda bhangi ama miraa, faida ya kuvutia mvua ili kuondoa ukame ipo lakini with ADDED benefits of .... what ? of nini ?
Of ... HIGHness , AWOOOH !! :-)
The atha day i was walking to the market ... ( ... just sounded cool to start a story like that :-) ..... ) , anyhu, so i was walking to the market and i saw a PROBOX, nw i know nikkas have hated on this moti like a Mother (...SHUT YO MOUTH ) !!!
Honestly all i could think of was it looked like a freakn "cereal box" , and not even your averagely, cool , awesome Kellogs Frosties cereal box, you know ? This car looks like that one pack of Weetabix.
Or better yet , have u seen that ka box of UJI MIX ? eheeeeh, kama hiyo basi ! But for mtu wa sales , hiyo gari ni sawa coz ur just advertizing a cereal brand and NO one can mess wit mobile marketing, trust me.
Al shabaab , Al shabibi, Al Ashawo, Al sha-watever ? WTF !!! these A-holes are killing kenyans wit grenades and they think they are hardcore ?? Wankers !! how can they claim to be terrorists and they use devices that they throw away and run off like a bunch of sissys !
Atleast go down wit some balls like ur fellow suicide bombing ululating dudu birds in Palestine.
Bt honestly, they have got some Kenyans paranoid , people now cant even trust the mboch, the mboch next door, ur relatives mboch ..... u just cant trust these people :-) ( no pun intended to mboches being referred to as Al qaeda Otteroz ) How that reference even occurred to me i have no clue. :-)
All am saying is not to live in fear and please people let us kill some of the paranoia , when a Walach checks in the jav wit three mangoes and no one wants to sit next to them, thats just stereo typing bana !!
Why would anyone put a grenade in a mango ? Omba msee maembe , tukule , tufurahie, na twende zetu bana ! Lakini if the WaaahrRia checks into the jav na sijui anatoa mapera kwa juala , aaaiii, jump for cover, av never seen a walach kula a mapera ! Am just saying :-)
N si theaz a ka song in kisapere that says " GURUNETI " , yeh ?? Just wondering if its a club banger due to recent events .. get it ?? club "BANGER" ?? huh , u gotta admit u must be smiling yeh ? :-)
N that one for that guy " I will catch a grenade for you .... " ? Ladies si mnaijua ? Si mmeimbiwa hii wimbo since it chucked, roho zenu zika melt, eh ?Sasa wacha tuone kama he will kamata that grenade for you ... :-)
true test of love , pale OTC ikifyatuka na akuwache ukisimama hapo solo, my dear, kameumana , that relationship is a hoax ! :-)
SIDE NOTE : When you start composing songs that go like " ni maDizi ama ni mashuGwa " ... and you form a choir reciting that line over n over again wit a tenor, alto ,bass and soprano ensemble ...... please note that u are just NOT drunk ..... you my friends ..... are seriously PISS drunk !! :-)
P.S.. I was the tenor :-))
Bush dinner , now this is some exciting stuff , arrange wit a couple of friends, go to Maasai lodge and do this dinner, it will change your life .... At some point u will find urself composing a choir similar to the one i have described above, but i must insist ... that level of artistry is attained at an altitude of (JW + Smirnoff Vodka + Tusker + Baileys) meters.
You will find yourself being served wit a Maasai who talks like he studied in Cambridge and pissed in the halls of Harvard.
Your chef will cook finger licking food from various sized pots and yes kind SIR, you will go back home and tell ur mothers, girlfriends and wives ( not forgetting Klandez ) to take POT cookery lessons.
Theaz just something about food cooked in a pot that i couldn't put my finger to it.
You will find yourself staring in the dark over the escarpment looking yonder into the national park, wondering if you pissed over the edge, will the squirrels down below come out to party in the warm rain :-)
Such thoughts will cloud your head but the clanging and banging of vifuniko vya sufuria ( as they usher in the cake ) will bring you back from such warm and heartfelt thoughts for the squirrels.
SIDE NOTE : A squirrel is a cute RAT !!
Who among you has not had the MUTURI call ?? hahaha, Nw that is some funny ass ish ! Look for the link, put it in your ipod, ipad, iphone, whichever device u have that starts with an " i " , and u did not hear me mention the IDIOS for obvious reasons ( as that does not fall under the category of a media device ) :-)
Play that clip over and over in the office and you will be the office hero or you will be fired for sexual harassment. :-)
Am just shocked that the idea of a girl saying " nimekupikia nyama " will coarse me into jumping out of bed in the middle of the night , to go get laid !! Is meat really that CRUCIAL an incentive when it comes to an offer of lungula ?
Why couldn't she have just said something like "Muturi nimekununulia Probox".
Ama that wouldn't have worked ? :-)
Am sure Muturi would have sped off to her arms in that cold dark night !
But on a Serious note .... Ladies : ITS NEVER THAT SERIOUS !
:-) hmmm ... quite the oxyMORON i must admit !
And shame on you Muturi, a lady should never beg to get LAID !! Am just saying if she wants it, she can get it elsewhere and for all of you Muturis out there, this is not good .
Speaking of getting laid, just watch the new video " LAY IT ON ME " for Kelly Rowland ( chucking that name bila kushema ni ngumu sana .. for me i.e. ) Wololo ! Yaani, she does things that my brain begged her to do a while back , thank you .... Kelly , Thank you Kerry Row... hehe ... (i need a linguistic teacher ) ASANDA sana !!
So being the month of break ups :-) , yesss folks .... it is that time of the year , and your hell bent on doing it before Christmas coz u know your cheap ass ain't buy no presents , lol !
Am kidding , its tough i know, so ... for all those broken hearts out there here's something to cheer you up :-)
I got this old letter that has been doing rounds on the internet , you might have read it , if not, its worth the read and u will have a good chuckle :-) u might even use it ... Am just saying :-)
Dear Connie ,
I know the counselor said we shouldn’t contact each other during our “cooling off” period, but I couldn’t wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I’d never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss you. I don’t care about looking bad anymore. I don’t care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it’s time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says “There’s no one like you, Connie.” I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they’re not you. They’re not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don’t say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.
She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn’t believe and an ass that just wouldn’t quit. Every man’s dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we’ve made important in our lives. It’s all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I’m getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I’m never really thought of that before.
I don’t know, maybe I’m just growing up a little. Later, after I’d tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt (najua hapa kuna wengine who wont get what he meant but ni sawa,hahaha)
I found myself thinking, “Why do I feel so drained and empty?” It wasn’t just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.
Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn’t feel the same because you weren’t there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. LMAO !!!
Jesus, Connie, I’m just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn’t eating right without a woman around. I didn’t know what she meant till later, but that’s not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we’re banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart’s a total monster in the sack. She’s giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she’s not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. hahaha
And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother’s old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it’s totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can’t help thinking, “Why didn’t Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We’ve had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy.” * dead with laughter *
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky’s just a kid and all, but she’s got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She’s given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She’s pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we’re doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here’s this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky’s really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I’m thrusting inside your baby sister’s cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. hahaha, WAAAAT ???
It’s true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don’t you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.
Love, Dan
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ! Dan u are a sick man !!! I will advise people not to follow Dan's methodology ! :-)
But DAN kinda rules !!! hahahaha ! So Make Love Not War ! :-) and if u spot an Al Boabab ... U better " Take that nikka down ."
And on that note , KLAT OUT !!!
CHOKA SsssssssssssANAAAAAA !!!!!
SMACK !!!
P.S. Av had enough of the man united jokes ! We are still winning the league ! but Johnny Evans can #$%**@ off !
GGMU !
Wsup fellow klatists , yaani, its been a min yah ??... Me am ready to release all the Ujinga in my head.
The trance in my headphones is telling me that we should all adopt a baby tree and plant it in remembrance of the Most Amazing Woman, a Kenyan, Nobel Peace winner Waangari Mathai , i have my weed tree in the back yard sprouting away, have you planted yours ?
Jivunie kuwa mkenya ! Panda bhangi ama miraa, faida ya kuvutia mvua ili kuondoa ukame ipo lakini with ADDED benefits of .... what ? of nini ?
Of ... HIGHness , AWOOOH !! :-)
The atha day i was walking to the market ... ( ... just sounded cool to start a story like that :-) ..... ) , anyhu, so i was walking to the market and i saw a PROBOX, nw i know nikkas have hated on this moti like a Mother (...SHUT YO MOUTH ) !!!
Honestly all i could think of was it looked like a freakn "cereal box" , and not even your averagely, cool , awesome Kellogs Frosties cereal box, you know ? This car looks like that one pack of Weetabix.
Or better yet , have u seen that ka box of UJI MIX ? eheeeeh, kama hiyo basi ! But for mtu wa sales , hiyo gari ni sawa coz ur just advertizing a cereal brand and NO one can mess wit mobile marketing, trust me.
Al shabaab , Al shabibi, Al Ashawo, Al sha-watever ? WTF !!! these A-holes are killing kenyans wit grenades and they think they are hardcore ?? Wankers !! how can they claim to be terrorists and they use devices that they throw away and run off like a bunch of sissys !
Atleast go down wit some balls like ur fellow suicide bombing ululating dudu birds in Palestine.
Bt honestly, they have got some Kenyans paranoid , people now cant even trust the mboch, the mboch next door, ur relatives mboch ..... u just cant trust these people :-) ( no pun intended to mboches being referred to as Al qaeda Otteroz ) How that reference even occurred to me i have no clue. :-)
All am saying is not to live in fear and please people let us kill some of the paranoia , when a Walach checks in the jav wit three mangoes and no one wants to sit next to them, thats just stereo typing bana !!
Why would anyone put a grenade in a mango ? Omba msee maembe , tukule , tufurahie, na twende zetu bana ! Lakini if the WaaahrRia checks into the jav na sijui anatoa mapera kwa juala , aaaiii, jump for cover, av never seen a walach kula a mapera ! Am just saying :-)
N si theaz a ka song in kisapere that says " GURUNETI " , yeh ?? Just wondering if its a club banger due to recent events .. get it ?? club "BANGER" ?? huh , u gotta admit u must be smiling yeh ? :-)
N that one for that guy " I will catch a grenade for you .... " ? Ladies si mnaijua ? Si mmeimbiwa hii wimbo since it chucked, roho zenu zika melt, eh ?Sasa wacha tuone kama he will kamata that grenade for you ... :-)
true test of love , pale OTC ikifyatuka na akuwache ukisimama hapo solo, my dear, kameumana , that relationship is a hoax ! :-)
SIDE NOTE : When you start composing songs that go like " ni maDizi ama ni mashuGwa " ... and you form a choir reciting that line over n over again wit a tenor, alto ,bass and soprano ensemble ...... please note that u are just NOT drunk ..... you my friends ..... are seriously PISS drunk !! :-)
P.S.. I was the tenor :-))
Bush dinner , now this is some exciting stuff , arrange wit a couple of friends, go to Maasai lodge and do this dinner, it will change your life .... At some point u will find urself composing a choir similar to the one i have described above, but i must insist ... that level of artistry is attained at an altitude of (JW + Smirnoff Vodka + Tusker + Baileys) meters.
You will find yourself being served wit a Maasai who talks like he studied in Cambridge and pissed in the halls of Harvard.
Your chef will cook finger licking food from various sized pots and yes kind SIR, you will go back home and tell ur mothers, girlfriends and wives ( not forgetting Klandez ) to take POT cookery lessons.
Theaz just something about food cooked in a pot that i couldn't put my finger to it.
You will find yourself staring in the dark over the escarpment looking yonder into the national park, wondering if you pissed over the edge, will the squirrels down below come out to party in the warm rain :-)
Such thoughts will cloud your head but the clanging and banging of vifuniko vya sufuria ( as they usher in the cake ) will bring you back from such warm and heartfelt thoughts for the squirrels.
SIDE NOTE : A squirrel is a cute RAT !!
Who among you has not had the MUTURI call ?? hahaha, Nw that is some funny ass ish ! Look for the link, put it in your ipod, ipad, iphone, whichever device u have that starts with an " i " , and u did not hear me mention the IDIOS for obvious reasons ( as that does not fall under the category of a media device ) :-)
Play that clip over and over in the office and you will be the office hero or you will be fired for sexual harassment. :-)
Am just shocked that the idea of a girl saying " nimekupikia nyama " will coarse me into jumping out of bed in the middle of the night , to go get laid !! Is meat really that CRUCIAL an incentive when it comes to an offer of lungula ?
Why couldn't she have just said something like "Muturi nimekununulia Probox".
Ama that wouldn't have worked ? :-)
Am sure Muturi would have sped off to her arms in that cold dark night !
But on a Serious note .... Ladies : ITS NEVER THAT SERIOUS !
:-) hmmm ... quite the oxyMORON i must admit !
And shame on you Muturi, a lady should never beg to get LAID !! Am just saying if she wants it, she can get it elsewhere and for all of you Muturis out there, this is not good .
Speaking of getting laid, just watch the new video " LAY IT ON ME " for Kelly Rowland ( chucking that name bila kushema ni ngumu sana .. for me i.e. ) Wololo ! Yaani, she does things that my brain begged her to do a while back , thank you .... Kelly , Thank you Kerry Row... hehe ... (i need a linguistic teacher ) ASANDA sana !!
So being the month of break ups :-) , yesss folks .... it is that time of the year , and your hell bent on doing it before Christmas coz u know your cheap ass ain't buy no presents , lol !
Am kidding , its tough i know, so ... for all those broken hearts out there here's something to cheer you up :-)
I got this old letter that has been doing rounds on the internet , you might have read it , if not, its worth the read and u will have a good chuckle :-) u might even use it ... Am just saying :-)
Dear Connie ,
I know the counselor said we shouldn’t contact each other during our “cooling off” period, but I couldn’t wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I’d never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss you. I don’t care about looking bad anymore. I don’t care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it’s time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says “There’s no one like you, Connie.” I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they’re not you. They’re not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don’t say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.
She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn’t believe and an ass that just wouldn’t quit. Every man’s dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we’ve made important in our lives. It’s all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I’m getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I’m never really thought of that before.
I don’t know, maybe I’m just growing up a little. Later, after I’d tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt (najua hapa kuna wengine who wont get what he meant but ni sawa,hahaha)
I found myself thinking, “Why do I feel so drained and empty?” It wasn’t just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.
Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn’t feel the same because you weren’t there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. LMAO !!!
Jesus, Connie, I’m just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn’t eating right without a woman around. I didn’t know what she meant till later, but that’s not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we’re banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart’s a total monster in the sack. She’s giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she’s not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. hahaha
And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother’s old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it’s totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can’t help thinking, “Why didn’t Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We’ve had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy.” * dead with laughter *
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky’s just a kid and all, but she’s got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She’s given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She’s pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we’re doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here’s this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky’s really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I’m thrusting inside your baby sister’s cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. hahaha, WAAAAT ???
It’s true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don’t you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.
Love, Dan
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ! Dan u are a sick man !!! I will advise people not to follow Dan's methodology ! :-)
But DAN kinda rules !!! hahahaha ! So Make Love Not War ! :-) and if u spot an Al Boabab ... U better " Take that nikka down ."
And on that note , KLAT OUT !!!
CHOKA SsssssssssssANAAAAAA !!!!!
SMACK !!!
P.S. Av had enough of the man united jokes ! We are still winning the league ! but Johnny Evans can #$%**@ off !
GGMU !
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)