UKI ORDER DRINK .... GUESS WHAT THEY ARE SAYING :-)

SMACK !!!!! Wat it does, wat it do, wat sslanging?? NOPE !!! okay, habari yenu ? NOPE ! wat does some1 have to do to get guys going on this blog ! CHOKA SSSsssana ! Manze av just sipped some " JET Fuel" ( to some you call it coffee) in the office and am all engines runnin, just wish i could make it Irish coz considering this ICE COLD weather and the noise coming from my knees is very unusual, hehe, because someone just asked " kwani hiyo cricket kwa hii ofisi iko wapi ? Ama ni mtu alikuja na kayamba ( a shaker ) kwa ofisi ? "


So the official 1814 t-shirt is out, for a cool ksh. 2400/= i.e. kwa bei rahisi :-) u can be the proud owner of an 1814 T-sho, full printed with the "1814 beer laws" at the back and "CheGriffin" print at the front. photos of the same will be uploaded in a while and u can order online, and if u asking in wat size ? Kama ManyaKEEEEH ........ ALL sizes ! SMACk !!! :-)
Oh and for every 10 t-shoz bought, yaani ukinunua kumi, u get original Beats by DRE monster earphones ! Proceeds go to the less fortunate wallet at the back of my pocket :-)


Now, as the El Presidente of 1814, this week i have hand picked the very best of what beer has to offer. U know like when u wake up in the morning and u feel like as if ur head is the same size as your pillow, well here are a couple of symptoms u should look out 4 when drinking beer and what action u should take to avoid having a mellon head in the morning.



SYMPTOM:  Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. 
FAULT:   Glass empty. 
ACTION:   Find someone who will buy you another beer. Just look for that friend of urz mwenye hanyamazangi , ati he can buy beer for days on end.


SYMPTOM:  Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet. 
FAULT:  Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. 
ACTION:  Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. 


SYMPTOM:  Feet warm and wet. 
FAULT:  Improper bladder control. 
ACTION:  Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation. :-)


SYMPTOM:  Floor blurred. 
FAULT:  You are looking through bottom of empty glass. 
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.


SYMPTOM:  Floor swaying. 
FAULT:   Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress. 
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. :-)


SYMPTOM:  Floor moving. 
FAULT:    You are being carried out. my friend, wanakutupa nje.
ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.


SYMPTOM:  Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it. 
FAULT:   You have fallen over backward. hehe, umeanguka mzeeiya.
ACTION:  If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.


SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts. 
FAULT: You have fallen forward. face first ! hehe.
ACTION: See above.


SYMPTOM:  Everything has gone dark. 
FAULT:   The Bar is closing. Masaa ya Mututho imefika ama u just drank some F***d up chang'aa.
ACTION:   Panic. :-)


SYMPTOM:  You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see anything in your bedroom. 
FAULT:     You have spent the night in the gutter. Wasee wa mtaro mnajijua.
ACTION:   Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.


SYMPTOM:   Feet cold and wet. 
FAULT:   Glass being held at incorrect angle. 
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.


SYMPTOM:  Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. 
FAULT:  Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. uko karibu kumwaura ( vomit )!!!
ACTION:  Cover mouth.


SYMPTOM:    Everyone looks up at you and smiles. 
FAULT:      You are dancing on the table. 
ACTION:    Fall on somebody cushy-looking. Hehe.


SYMPTOM:  Beer is crystal-clear. 
FAULT:    It's water.  Somebody is trying to sober you up. Hii hatutaki !!!
ACTION:   Punch him.


SYMPTOM:  Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. 
FAULT:    You have been in a fight. 
ACTION:   Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.


SYMPTOM:  Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. 
FAULT:  You've wandered in to the wrong party. Usiogope.
ACTION:   See if they have free beer.


SYMPTOM:  Your singing sounds distorted. 
FAULT:   The beer is too weak. Most likely walikupatia pilsner , hehe !
ACTION:   Have more beer until your voice improves. Preferably TUSKER !!!


SYMPTOM:   Don't remember the words to the song. 
FAULT:    Beer is just right. 
ACTION:   Play air guitar. 


Now i am assuming by now kama ulikuwa umekaza sura , ur smiling atleast :-) My job 4 the day is done . Nw buy the t-shirt and let a bratha get paid :-) Anyhu, 4rm that t-sho no profit is being made but from next month, they going for 3000 bob :-) so am thnkn getn them nw would be better 4 u, bt if u have ur own plain t-shirt of cos the price will go down. Nw i dont wanna water the blog and sound like a %@$#%#^ salesman so al go right ahead and deliver the joke of the day. 


Now, am sure we have all had the constant argument that " HUYO MSICHANA ANAKUNYWA NINI ?" ama , " HUYO CHALI ANAKUNYWA NINI? " and what you drink and what its supposedly says about you , right ? So, here below is how it has been interpreted and i took the courtesy of tweeking it abit :-) 
No PUN INTENDED :-))


So ama start off with the ladies ( Ladies ..... am such a Gentleman :-) ) 



IF A WOMAN DRINKS:
Drink :  Beer.
Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool, (hahaha ! I like )


Drink :  Blender drinks with umbrella.
Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the bum. 
Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy. ( Hehe, okay I know i dont want )


Drink : Mixed drinks - no umbrellas
Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Approach : If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink. ( Okay, where is she am so ready ? :-) )


Drink : Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask)
Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation. ( hehe, msee ni kufyam )


Drink : Bacardi Breezer ( I think Smirnoff Ice falls here )
Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has absolutely no clue.
Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in. ( Hehe, SMACK !!! )


Drink : Baileys
Personality : Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach : Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub. ( hehe, mara hiyo hiyo )


Drink : Shots (Vodka, Aftershock etc.).
Personality : Hanging with male pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.( hahaha ...)
Approach : Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait. ( hehe, i dont really know, but lets wait see ? :-) )


And now to the boyz.


IF A MAN DRINKS: ( As always, very simple and clear cut.)


Cider :  He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid. ( haha )


Cheap Domestic Beer ( Senator/ Obama/ Keg ) : He's poor / student and wants to get laid. ( hehe)


Premium Local Beer ( Tusker ) : He likes good beer and wants to get laid. ( hehe, i think i fall here )


Bitter : He's old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid ( hehe, ka budaa )


Imported Beer ( Heineken ) : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid ( very true, hahaha )


Wine : He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid. (Ume-pAtikAnaaaa !!  But there must some gayness to this :-) am just saying )


Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would have sex with a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid. 
(hahahaha, pole mzeeiya ! Wasee wangu wa ka naps, ka viceroy, ka smirnoff vodka, mko wapi ??? hehehe )


Port : Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

Whisky : He doesn't give two brass farthings about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid. ( haha, that's why we drink Chivas Regal nikka !!!  )


Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid. 
( hehe, i have NEVER tasted Jack Daniels, but i think this one wamedanganya ) 


Tequila : " Piss off you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something with a pulse ".
(N thats why i say NO !!! NOOOOO, NO, NO, NO NO, NOOOO !!!  to tequila :-))


Bacardi Breezer ( Smirnoff Ice )  : He's GAYYYYYYYYYYY !!!!  (Blatantly, PUN INTENDED, hapa hakuna cha story mingi )




So ladies and gentlemen, which are YOU ????  




Till the next episode ( N yessss,  i know.....  it is not a series ..... so F*** off  !! N i say it in the most polite way possible ) 


KLAT OUT ! BRAP !!                                                 


CHOKA SsssssssaNAAAA ! SsssssssMACK !

GUESS WHAT GAME MY NEW NOKIA PHONE HAS ?

MONDAY blues !!! MONDAY flu !!! Monday ??? Monday ... that was yesterday ! 


Tuesday ?? the cold  ? SHIDWO !!! %#$#^* unbearable ! 


A pal of mine told me that women in Nairobi really don't like the cold weather. Out of curiosity i begged to know why and yessssss ... the response ALARMING :-)


Ati the cold weather ...... makes them dress decently :-) 


Honestly, is it really such a bad thing to dress decently, or the raunchy lady gaga style makeup and dress code is the in thing ? The logic defeats me !


But some have lost their minds, even in this monsoon winds and ice cold weather, it still does not seem to deter them from the obvious :-) 
If i may .... Its cold swiri and the fish net lake victoria stockings ain't helping fight the cold.
And last i checked .... u wasn't a polar bear and Walrus was not a name in your family lineage . 
Unless "freeze and shine" means a sahani full of chocolate chip cookies topped up wit pneumonia raisins , then we are all game ! Anyhu, kila mtu na styRoh ya.... ?  ya...ke ! Choka SsssssaNA !!!


Talk about the weekend, now that my mates ... was what i call a dope weekend !!! Twaz my nikkas' Bett's graduation party and it had all the intrigue and disillusion that a mexican soap has :-)


Have u ever had a Kaleo ule wa interior, ule wa huko mashinani, giving a speech ? hehe, trust me , all i heard to hear was, 


" I am a tokTa ..... in the fielt ov .... Enthomolochi " . hehehe !


Translated  < I am a doctor in the field of Entomology > Speech over !!!! Winehoused :-)


So wen the drinking spree began ( i call it a spree, coz i didn't know that Kaleos also do a marathon when it comes to booze), we started off wit shotoz of Chivas Regal !!! N that my friend is some excellent whiskey.


WARNING : Never EVER do shots of whiskey !!! 


Toasted to that and then proceeded to mix all the liquor ( Famous Grouse, Viceroy, Tusker, more Chivas, Grants, Napoleon ( who came wit that boti by the way .... )  in our bellies, like a ka-bowl of muthukui ! 


With that much highness, party rockn n all, kuna ka mtu akoengea Choo .....the shin dig escalated to the Klat-King wanting to rearrange someone's face into a pile of WOOPASS !!! lol !


Anyhu, calm heads prevailed and the Sparta in me was not unleashed :-) .... then Psys Langata happened. N its from there that i seem not to remember how i left the club and reached home. 
Well i do remember climbing the stairs to enter the digz, :-) but not much really as to how i arrived at those stairs .....  :-) 
N such a scene will not happen 4 a long time to come .... i beg 2 believe so.


Have you heard, Nokia ...... launched the 1st ever twin SIM phone, specifically for Africa !!! :-) 


Now i might be off the hinges here, but please allow me to think that the PHONE is nothing more, than a Chinaware product. 
Rumor has it, that among the cool features the phone comes with, are the games loaded on that bad boy.
Believe it or not , one of the games featuring on the phone is called


 " THIKA ROAD " ....... :-))


Nw how u play Thika Road, just leaves alot to the imagination coz me naona , in the morning uko level 1, where ulifika pale Roysambu uka save game, then uka exit.
In the evening , u load up the game and press Continue and shock on you ! Diversion, road closed , my friend ... barabara imeBADILIKA ! hehe. That's wen u get to realize just how intelligent that game is. :-)


And for difficulty levels in the game , there is a) drive sober, b) drive tipsy and c) drive drunk with no head lights on :-)


And for bonus points u get to choose ur driver to be a dendei (a chic) and play, " Remember the route " lmao !!! No pun intended :-)


And if u don't feel like playing driver, then u can choose MANAGER mode, where you try and FINISH building the road ... all the best with that, considering ........ your manager role badge reads, and i quote ,


" Road Engineer - City council of THIKA " hehe. 


Okay, enough with the lame phone jokes :-) .... I recently discovered that if you want to define an idiot, just look up the word ALFRED MUTUA in a dictionary and under definition u will read, and i quote ... 


" AN IDIOT SAID THIS > NO KENYAN HAS DIED FROM HUNGER ".


Am sure after reading that, those whom society labels as fools, slept well at night coz atleast they are not idiots ! 


Kenyans are really suffering and we have 2 come together to save them from hunger, so please send out whatever little that you can and not just once send over and over and over again, vile tu unafeel, the no. is  111111 via MPESA. Feed a fellow hungry Kenyan, and thank the Lord for your situation kama uko na uhai na hauna njaa ! Help where you can and the returns from the Lord above will be in abundant.


AND now the joke of the day .....  :-) 




FOUR CATHOLIC LADIES



So .... some 4 Catholic mamsilaz ( ladies ) are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, 


"My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." 


The second Catholic woman chirps, 


"My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say,        'Your Grace'." 



The third Catholic woman says smugly, 


"My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 
'Your Eminence'." 


The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"


She replies, 


"My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 


'Oh my God...'."


HAHAHAHAHA ! Winehoused :-)




Na si ile "O my Ngod, O my Ngod, O my Ngod " for the chic who got busted on radio. Remember that one ?? lol ! 


Kenyans ...... u gotta love us !!! 


N with that , am OUT ! 




KLAT OUT !!!!! BRAP !! ....... CHOKA SsssssanA !