Ntajuaje huyu MANZI wa MINE ni CHIZI ???

FRIDAAAAAAAY ! Thats wsup people ! Mad excitoz for the weekend , jobo sucks and the new chic interns hawaleti show :-)

Anyhu, moving along, so my mate the atha day was in a fix, coz he met this new dendei and he kinda realised from the start somethng was off with her. Yes, he did meet her outside St.Andrews Ward in Nairobi Hosi, but i mean she didnt have the patient "drapes" on ( later we came to find out that she had just been discharged) . Nairobi has a couple of pretty cool chics and i aint complaining, am just saying kuna wale tunafaa kupeleka mathare , thats all :-) So hw do you tell if she is mental , how do you know from the minute words come out of her mouth that she is not a twat from Crazyville , what are the signs people ....What are the signs i ask ? 
Well ..... i think i might just have found the answers to that :-) Allow me !!! 

And lenga that she has "crazy eyes" - How I met your Mother ,cliche takataka !! 

For starters, kama u hooked up wit her outside Kenya Cinema, you should lose all hope in your pursuit of happiness :-)

If you then proceed to walk with her from Kenya Cinema to hapo nje ya Gill House and in that short span of meeting her, she looks into your eyes and says, "No one has ever made me feel quite the way you do." ImmendYYYET ....wikia konkodi ( matatu tout ) .... " Mathree ya South B pesa ngapi ?" Na uende missing mara zat zat  !!! :-)

Alafu kuna wale even before uv fikad digz from your first date, she's sent you 13 text messages na asha kutag kwa picha zake zote facebook :-)

When it comes to make up, if every time she smiles and there is always lipstick on her teeth ..... Boss, false start or otherwise , u better Usain Bolt outta there and no one is going to disqualify you bro, no one !! Not even those Daegu officials :-)

After lungula ( after kulimana shtiax ) , say after kedo 10 minaz ( minutes ) , and she's picking out baby names ..... 
" I will call my first baby Johe Manuel or Chicharito Jesus " ..... RUN nikka, RUN son, RUN !!! Mental cannot even be used to define this dendei.

So she invites you to her digz, u know meet the parents scenario .... And upon checking into that hao, you overhear her Ol man ( dad ) mutter somethng under a cough, 
"Poor bastard." :-) That my friend is a what we call a sign sent from up ..... ABOVE !!! Heavenly intervention, eeeish .... my guy , u cannot ignore that one baba !

If its the first date and she's a ka-single mum and she turns to her 4 yr old kiddo and goes like " Boyyyyy, Boyyyyy, kuja hapa , usalimiane Daddy yako mpya !! " lol !
Baba Boyyyyy ..... Teke msee ! Yaani u just run as fast as u can mpaka u make sure u leave a dust cloud like the way cartoons do ! Hapo hufai kuonekana tena :-)

If she comes around the office and she threatens to tandika your 99 year old secretary coz ali smile at you , that is not a sign , that is a freaking BILL BOARD ALERT !!! N if i was to ask the ladies ( crazy ones ) Ni nini hii when other chics smile at us , mnaruka ruka ni kama mmekalia line ya stima ??? It is just a smile .. :-) 

If you dating a chic and she starts each and every freakn conversation with, “My pastor says … ” lol !! Am not hating on the faithful but hapa iko shida ! 
Or " My psychiatrist  says ... " unangoja nini ??? ama ur waiting for the day she starts carrying a cockroach in a box and calling it a pet ndo uanze kukimbia ?? SHTOOPID !!! 

If she has sijui thatee faeee ( 35 ) tattoos, and 19 of them are covering up old boyfriends' names ... trust me she was not going for a doodle design, she doesn't work in a tattoo palour and if she was going for the Lil Wayne look, i mean .... I BEG you kind SIR .... ARE u %#$@$ Retarded ? 
Ur name is gon be up there lost in that forest of tattoos and we are going to sing songs about you as we drink and make merry at the watering hole ( BAR ) :-)

If you walk into her toilet/ bathroom and she has stacked up reading materials ( magazeti ) and they include books 
( magazeti ) like 'Schizophrenia and You: a Biblical Solution' and 'Women Who Beat the Men Who Love Them.' ... Eh okay, iko problems na shida iko na YEYE , HERSELF and her other significant OTHERS in her head :-)

Worse still if u have known her for like 3 days and u pata her chilling outside your apartment door, UNINVITED, when you arrive from an evening out, she must be the mental type. Note, the words in CAPS, "UNINVITED" ! We all love suprises but nikka if its not ur birthday or that " suprise sex visit " ..... FUKUZA yeye ! lol

We all love pets yeah ..... but if she be up in that crib of hers owning more than 3 cats, that chic is A-WALL ! (And I'm being generous here. I think cats are like some reincarnation of crazy women who committed suicide in their previous life :-) I joke, i kid, i joke, i don't  :-)

Ummm ..... If she invites you home to meet her family in under 30 days, you either must be the family pet coz she adopted you from a shelter or me am hearing wedding bells .... anyone else hearing them ? ... na si ile "DING DOooooNG" ya mlango , ni ile " KILINGI ...KILINGI ....KILINGI ", like the one for baba krismas bebaz ( bad joke, but hey it was funnier in my head )

Another thing you should look out for with this crazy chic persona is if she begins showing up at all your favorite hangouts and pretends it's a coincidence. " Aki why do we patana like everywhere, yaani .... we like so much in common ! " .... UWONGO !!!! 
That dendei has ur ass LOW JACKED and CAR TRACK can't even match her skillz baba ! She be Shaolin Ninja on those suprise visits n s***.

If she "systematically" has sex with all your friends, she is trouble and she is what we call a NYMPHO- COOCOOdoodle !!! :-) Stay AWAY from this one ! Am not mincing my words unless gonorrhea to you sounds like a  tub of ice cream sunday and goody goody ! 

If she begins contacting your x-girlfriends to pump them for info ... it never ends well coz she be contacting ur sistaz n ur mum next. This one anaelekea uwendawazimu and she will be top of the class . Coz of her skills other crazies 
( i.e. chics who aspire to be her ) will fund her ( ....yaani she pokeaz a scholarship )

Someone in the office has added .... ati if she says stuff like, "I don't know what ad do if we broke up," or "I wouldn't wanna live without you," or "the third time I was admitted to ICU, " haha, mzeeiya ni kundyeLELEZZZ !!! 
Dont really know how much truth there is to this , but hey its a funny opinion. Or if she has the suicide hotline on speed dial .... tank that dendei coz dfntly the planets don't align for her :-)

Oh ... and check out her medicine cabinet/ table/ dressing mirror draws , and if they contains bottles of Lexepro, Abilify, and Zyprexa ( I googled these ones ) :-) then my nikka u in line for a whole lotta pain. And i read that they only prescribe Zyprexa to the REALLY crazy ones baba. Lmao !! Yaani wale wameFYATUKS ! 

Stole this from somewhere ...... If she professes "No one's ever understood me like you do" and "I've never felt this way with a man before" on the first date , hehehe, what more can I say ??

Finally i want you to understand me clearly. If she says that she just WANTS TO HAVE SEX and does NOT WANT A COMMITMENT and YOU ( .... you of all people imagine that ... )

:-) can CONTINUE to SEE other WOMEN.... Trust me you are NOT LUCKY , hii si ile blessing that you have been praying for u GOMONGO !!!  This is the NDEFOH ( Seitaaan) anakutikirinya ( he's tickling your funny bone and u like that dont you ? YOU idiot !!! RUN NIKKA ... RuN like the way Shia Labeouf RUNS in all those transformer flicks and save yourself from that DECEPTICON ... coz you know thats what she is and trust me , you don't wanna see her when she transforms :-)) ) 

Anyhu ... Just call your lawyer NOW !!! GAME OVER .

Ladies ... KLAT KING loves you :-) just dont be 
CRAZY-STARK- RAVING-MENTAL aaight ? Peace!

And fellaz the writing is on the WALL !

KLAT OUT !!!! * hi 5 * SMACK !!

CHOKA SssssssANA ! BRAP !

LOOK AT ME ... I'M A SIZE TWO !! Wait ... Isn't that a KID'S Shoe SIZE ??? :-)

Ahaaa, hahahaha, so how many of you have a story of the 1st day u checked into Nairobi, was chatting to a workmate and he's story just floored me, total winehouse situation :-)

Now i was picturing him being sent to NRB with back pack ) i mean a black paper bag / karatasi ) and a chicken / live cockerel ( engoho ), wrapped up in a separate paper bag / karatasi :-), by this point we all get to understand he's from Western ( not coz of the chicken but because of the paper bags, lol ! ) ... no pun intended to guys who walk around wit paper bags, trust me ,  i too walk wit paper bags :-) 
Anyhu, looking at the man now, you cant believe that vibe .... enyewe we all start from somewhere.

Was at some shin dig in Runda some 2 weeks ago n yessssss, the clear line of some are rich and some are broke , was clearly defined to me :-) for those who read Asterix, u kumbuka the way they would have a feast and each person had a huge ass, roasted pig on there plate , well me n my mate, we kinda felt like Asterix n Obelix , that day :-) and lets not even get into the rocco ( booze ) .... those babies were lined up on that bar counter like pin balls n boy did we KNOCK EM OUT :-) ..." BURP " 
Had a blast though, shout out to Gakii B ( mad connect ) :-)

Different story, not related ... the other day, twaz a random evening, me and a mate of mine were on the veranda having a DOOBEE/ happy moment /sigara nono :-). I tossed the roach ( kapyenga ) into the grass without looking. A few minutes later I noticed it landed near a small ant hill. Mzeeiya within kedo 15 minutes they had removed all of the herbs from inside of the paper n had it packed away inside their ka ant hill. Am betting they were in their little dirt mound high 5'n their little asses off.

I firmly believe now that South C has "stoner ants", i hope my nikka will concur this story and that it was not a vision i had while i lit up that Mary Jay :-)

Was reading this the other day, apparently in the States there is a Skinny Fat Strip Club :-) The joint is called Oasis.

Unlike your ordinary strip club, fat obese women come out naked and put their clothes back on. 

Haha, wait .... !! They put there clothes back on ?? hehe, okaaaaay !!! 

It was the brilliant idea of the owner Richard Handler. As a skinny old fart he felt a place like this would be appreciated by other old timers also married to big women. So mates, you can go and see the fattest women on the planet next time you are in Nowhere USA. :-)

Dick also says he is proud of how well the business is doing. "Every time I hear the crowd cheer when those big gals are up on stage putting their clothes back on, I know I made the right decision." 

Dick says the brainstorm came to him one night when his 320 pound wife Olga walked past him naked. LMAO !!!

So am not even gonna rip on the PHAT chics , No ! No ! No ... thats wrong , today the PHAT women can sit back and watch me let loose on em skinny toothpick chiquittas :-)

Now am not saying being skinny is bad, but being anorexic and loving it, ain't just correct, politically or otherwise ( smart joke right there ) :-)

So how on earth do you like tell the difference, like between a skinny dendei and an anorexic, la-lace ( chic ) ??? this is how i look at it.....

When you fika digz and she over there taking a bubble bath and her ass is floating in that bath water, dude .....  APANA !! Lisha yeye tu nduma !!!

Kama akimada kuoga and she tells you, " Denno, Ebu hand me that ka serviette hapo juu kwa meza ! " ati to dry her ass off ..... Mater Hospital haiko mbali, drip mara zat zat na itakuwa a lipid ( mafutha ) drip :-)

Randomly got this one from the net, ati if she uses a cat collar for a belt , that b**** be anorexic, hehehe ! 

Honestly tell that mami to eat something, its a disease that can be cured na tu nduma kidogo. yah, tu nduma !!! Am serious :-). Wee imagine ur outside on a breezy day, you here the wind whistling .... around her. 
Mnaanua manguo alafu instead of kuziweka kwa  clothes hamper, anarusha nguo ndani ya tin ya nescafe . :-)

And is that a bra she puts on ama its a band aid ??? Dude !! like WTF !!! Kimbiza yeye red cross wit that band aid :-) I mean.... lisha mtu tu nduma bana !!! Yaani ka manzi kamekata, akidunga ngepa her whole mwili is in the shade , hehe.

Ka mutu kamethela ( kamekonda excess ).Ebu tell her to kanyaga a cockroach, we see whether she can kill that thing, mende itahepa ikicheka mzeeiya :-) 

N then anaa thing, kila wakati amechoka. Lack of @#&$* nutrition. That dendei sleeps more than the family cat. Na she bebaz a ka pillow wit her every where, now u imagine in the car unafkiria anaingia na ka pillow for comfort right ?? WRONG !!!!! She sets that pillow infront of her because the seat belt won't adjust that small. SHTOOOOPID ! feed this mamiz am tellin you ! :-)


Worse if you driving with the windows down, she just twirls around huko ndani ni kaa ka nguo ndani ya washing machine.

So you fika the restaurant and u ask her , leo baby unakula nini, order zamzzzin, itisha kitu, wallet iko sambamba, n then you hear ...... "No thanks, I already ate this week". 
My guy, ebu dial a BURGER n slap her silly with it then stuff it down her throat, watu wanakufa na njaa n this size 2 is feeling ako salama. N wat is size 2 if not a F****N kiddoz SHOE SIZE  !!!! Choka Sssssana. 

you take her home , DSTV umelipa premium package, :-) .... you weka History channel and its a feature on the Third Reich ( German - Nazi times ) and it is shows the starving Jews in the death camps. If she goes like "They don't looked starved to me", am thinkn, throw her out through the key hole :-) ...SWISH , mara zat zat !!! hehe.

So time ya lungula imefika ( msee kulimana SHTIAKS ). Honestly you can't get on top of her , ukimpandilia, ribs zake zote GONE ! :-)

NiGHT OVER !!!

Anorexia is a serious problem and we have to address it. Size 2 is a shoe size ! Hope we have that down :-). Help a friend to move from a kids shoe size to a a lucious sexy figure, aaight, patia yeye tu nini ? ... Patia yeye, tu nduma 

:-) 

Shout to my bbie and all the sexy women out there who can eat a meal and still look good, bodies be hotter than mexican jalapen'o. Mnatumaliza :-)

Am not even gonna hit u wit the Joke of the DAY till next time !! SMACK ! 

KLAT KING is BACK !  BRAP !!!

Watch out, i might be rippn on you next :-)

KLAT OUT !!!!! Choka SSSSSSSSSSsssssanA !!!