WHAT TYPE OF ANIMAL ARE YOU IN BED ?

Oyaa Oyaa !

Wsup gud people, krazzy weekend aat waz, been in recovery mode, as have most of u sinners :-) 

Am sure u bastards had a jolly gud laugh when 6 p.m clocked on sato and ur sorry ass was still on the couch hands dipped in a bag of crisps, muchn away with that silly smurk on ur face ! I mean the Messiah was coming 4 ur dumb ass to be judged n u still had on that Arsenal jersey ....  hahaha! 
Shame on u! ( BAD JOKE ??? ) :-) I KID ! 

So .... boo hoo to the Geezer and his followers. There was no way that Father Krismas lookn nikka was going to prove his nuts would carry the day with his meth-head predictions. The guys is like 80smthn, right ? He knew he was gonna meet his maker, probably ana cancer ya magwado ( these are NUTS / BALLS just incase i lost u there ) na doc alimshow he'll kick it by that day n people just followed this crazy ass fool !! GOMONGO !!!

So 2day Klat King has dfntly gotta hit u wit smthn fresh, moto moto , but i gotta admit coming up wit new material is hard, if i was bloggn bout my life and it read on and on like a La Muher Ntakushika or a Cuando Sio Kipindi , then dfntly, ad have like 4 gazillion posts bt hold onto ur Bra Straps ( if u cant, unaeza achilia, :-)) ) am gettn there !

So wat animal are u in bed ? This one i gotta hear 4rm all of u coz i have a close friend who told me he's a tiger ! A Tiger ? hmm .... Are there any women out there who wana do the brains out of a tiger ?

Al go on and describe a few creatures/livestock/wildlife, and being a dude, off course al be biased n ama do a comparison of the women, these awesome chics we know , hawa wenye tunaonanga kwa streets of NRB, MBS, Naks, KISII :-))) DAR, RSA, AFricA, damn ! Just so u know, Klat King would wanna live with all of u pretty women, n NRB is the mother of the Competition, NO DOUBT !!! Ukweli ama uwongo ?

So ..... you tell me ..... ? Wat animal ...... best ....... describes ya fine ass ? 

Panya/ Mouse - This is the gal who comes thru' to ur digs, u know in the cox, those hours hata Mungiki huwanga wamefunga works ! She's tiny in stature, petite they call her n in the sack she turns n tosses n wriggles around by the slightest touch, lakini usifanye blunder ya kuakisha stima, Boss, LIGHTS on and she squeels, she prefers it wit the lights off ! How to cope with her ? Stock up the fridge , hide ur clothes and u gotta keep an eye out 4 this one boyz, yessss .... she's a nibber :-) yesss...... ata uma uma wewe, jihadhari ! hehe ! 

Pig / LOG - This category i prefer not to expound on lest i be called JINGA HII ! Lakini ..... WTH, she hogz like krazzy and si wa Mastyro, she just lays over there, hahaha  ( hence the term log ). How to cope with her ?
AVOID !!!!

p.s. by pig i dont mean fat, she can be big/vulumptious n still rock ur world, so respect that type of lady !!!

Ding'oing'o / Bumble bee - hehe, have this chic in the hauz and all ur neighbours will know u had sex last night, n its nt ur ordinary kelele. U know the type of kelele mpaka neighbaz wonder whether u tandika ur chic ?hehe, then ni hiyo kelele ndo nasema ! Na ati she's calls herself a buzzer not ..... a screamer ! Ati wen she's done with u my guy, it Game OVER ! Brap !!!

Camel - Nw unless ur the proud owner of a viagra company or those energy perfomance drinks n shit, stay away 4rm this chic ! This dendei can go on 4 days , bila maji bila chakula, so ka unajua u dont have  battery pack in that mwili of urs kijana ! Washana na huyu dem, am serious ! Na hatatoka kwa nyumba, huyu mwiitie kajoH ! If u thnk u can hack, then just thnk of it like a week long of fastn n humpn ! :-) Merit is she dazn't eat alot like the atha one, the nanio wa hapo juu .... hakulangi like the ka LOG ! lol ! 

Possum - Tiny and compact, can dangle 4rm up a tree, so be ready 4 those styles uv never heard of like, "babe can we do the BERMUDA TRIANGLE", n ur there askn ur butt naked self, " C baby i thot that was a movIE n not a mOVE "... hehe, pole sana boss, but usijali, ur in gud hands dude, the flexibility that comes with this package, is a plus no doubt ! :-)

Parrot - haha, nw u gotta be careful with this one, she the one every dude wants to tap, but then again, she kinda 4gets the idea that its an act only the both of u should know about ! So she will tell Linda, Grace, Njoki, Brenda, Steff, Wanja, Bella, Mary, Anne, Kiki, Stella, Kemunto, Nyambz, Pamella, Doreen, aunt nanio ...... hehe, she jst daznt get it ! N it gets even worse if the sex was BAD, then my friend ul be the equivalent of a chimp layn a goose egg and si ile golden ! Bt if the outcome was awesome, lets jst say she might have done u a little bit of necessary R&R, if u get wat i mean , eeeeh :-)

Nyoka / Snake - Poison, sumu, mchawi no.1, she bites, stings n leaves u 4 broke ! Wachana na hawa ndogo ndogo wa Majengo ! end result, UKIMWI ! Bt .... she gives pretty descent BJ , am just sayn :-)) lol ! bt stay away ! 

Kibogoyo / Hippo - I mean should i really explain this one ???? No TEETH ??? Its that obvious, u know why ul be going home to this dendei kila siku (saa zingine umehepa works mapema unamngoja kwa gate ni kaa wewe ndo wochi wa hiyo mtaa ) n why ul be the most honest n commited husband out there in the whole republic ! hehe ! 

So ...... does that mean that all men want a kibogoyo ? Kart Williams thnks so, Eddie Murphy thnks so, Martin Lawrence also thnks that way, even Prince William, the bloody prince of the goddamn kingdom of Britain chose a "hippo" 
( BTW she is HOTTT ) ! Bt seriously .... am sure there are some animals that i have NOT mentioned, that u so know u are, :-) so feel free to post UR INNER ANIMAL SPIRIT below ! :-)

And we cannot 4get the joke of the day, these wea actually posted by some crazzy people out there on their Resumes and Cover Letters as they looked 4 joboz ! haha ! Enjoy ! N do not follow their ways , i beg !!!! :-))

Resumes and Cover Letters

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. 

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. ( must have been a Kaleo, lmao)

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave. 

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. 

6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. 

7. Its best for employers that I not work with people. 

8. Lets meet, so you can OOh and AAh over my experience. 

9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. 

10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details. 

11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move. 

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. ( lmfao )

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond to my 

      resume on my office voice mail. 

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely 

     nothing. 

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, 

     I suppose I should try stock brokerage. 

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant. 

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far. ( haha, 2 harsh )

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. ( lmao )

21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. 
     I have never quit a job. ( lol )

22. Marital status: often. Children: various. ( lol )

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 

     8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions. ( hehehe )

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. 

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten. ( Bett is this you ? )

26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
     ( Konan the Barbarian perhaps ??.... No ? ) 

KLAT OUT !!!! BRAP !

SUICIDE BOMBERS

OYaa OYaa ! 
Gud jolly friggish day to all the gud people in the zone, at ur desk, on site , in bed, in your neighbour's bed, in ur shinde ( stolen, borrowed or athawise) wale wako mashinani and of course a gud jolly friggish day kama wewe anaishi eastleigh ! GwAAAhK Thuuuuu ! ( Bole sana gohozi jok me ) 


My inspiration 4 the day comes from this bloke or should i say Mujaheedin associate a.k.a the new Al Capone, the new Rambo, the new Terminator, the next man in line for the 85 virgins ( Note : Osama was given an extra 14 booty poppin slovenz (i.e. chics 4 those who cant fwatanisha ), so that leaves his successor a bit shy off the mark, tsk tsk tsk , i want !!! ) he is ..... Drum roll please ( dudududududu... dush !!! )
the new head of Al Qaeda ( pronounced Al KaidaH ) ...... lets give it up 4 the man of the hour, the prince of Boof Boof ( sound make by a somali AK - 47 ) 


Saif ...........Al............... Adeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel 


No handclaps ??? .......( albeit the LOud extraordinary sound of Crickets )


I figured as much, coz who the F*** is this guy ! Huyu Bo-rriah
 ( somali 4 worria ) ni nani ? 
If your the guy who likes to have all the facts in the office, so that u look way cooler than the water dispenser, av posted the link below ( underlined ), you can now fill urself up ..........( okay that sounded like Feel urself up .... haha, dont do that u wierdo ..... if your a chic n u did, call me ... * wink wink * ....aaa, u get it .... No ? SLOW )


So link ndio hii :  Bo-rriaaah xbosed : this Nikka right here Nikka !!!

Moving along, so this nikka got the JOB, kwani thea was an interview ? N if so what were the freakn ..... qualifications ? 
Coz am picturing that scene outside the interview room, where u chat to the guy/chic sitted next to ya n u ask each atha like wat did u do , how'd u hear about the job, na ma ninio, si u follow ?
So wit this Mt. goats ( Afghanistan terrain experts ) wat the heck were they exchanging, " dude listen, av done like 4 suicide bomber projects, 300 kills, 4 chicken dead, and the Palestine PM's daughter 4 extra credits"...... 
" that cool, i did a major in Suicide vest design, a minor in nut crackn and 4 extra credits i killed my wife's cat jst by staring at the monster"
...... 
Saif -Al -Adel : " I dont have that much experience but av been Osama's nut sucker since he was el presidente .... "


Others: " uuuuuuuuuuuh, Sorry bro, well clearly u need the virgins , BRO ! Gwaaaak ThUUUU !!! ( meaning bye bye in this context ) hehe - No Pun Intended !


So there you have it, watch out 4 the next attack, lock ur doors n dont let the big bad wolf blow ur ass 2 bits ! 


I.O.N who the heck believes that Wanjiru story in the daily nation ? that Bermaids' story ..... TRICKS wasee, TRICKS !!!!!




ANd to wrap it up ..... the joke of the day :


This one is 4 all the nikkas , read ( niggaz n readn daznt work, pretty much an oxymoron,but wat the heck ) , understand, copy it in ur brain, revise, load it up on the XBOX, recite it in the shower, i dont care if u have to beba a ka mwaxx wit u everywea u go, just intergrate this ish in UR LIFE ! Changes are about to occur, u may even get laid if u follow this ( hehehe !! Now that i got ur attention ) ! Enjoy fellaz, Cheers !!






Woman Translations

         At long last... The Men's Guide to what a woman really means when she says something. Pay close attention (there might be a quiz later). 

* You want = You want
* We need = I want
* It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
* Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
* We need to talk = I need to complain
* Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
* I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
* You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
* You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?
* I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
* Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
* This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
* I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
* I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of 
                                     white.
* Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
* I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
* Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
* How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really 
                                             not going to like.
* I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
                                         on T.V.
* Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
* You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
* Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
* Yes = No
* No = No
* Maybe = No
* I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
* Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used 
                                       to it.
* Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him 
                                  until he goes to sleep.
* I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
* All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that 
   we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, 
   I need to look at a few new pocket books, and O-MI-GOD
   those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom , Oops ! silly me, 
   did you bring your checkbook? 

(THE ANSWER TO "WHAT'S WRONG?")
* The same old thing = Nothing
* Nothing = Everything
* Everything = My PMS is acting up
* Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a jerk
* I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

KLAT OUT ! BRAP !!!!!

GONE ARE THE DAYS

Couldn't help but notice, GONE ARE THE DAYS !!! Seriously gone.... are..... the days !  Can u please stand up n tell me when was the last time u saw chapoz being cooked by cowboy, n the smile that it brought to all the uninvited kiddos 4 the hood when they saw hw yellow yellow they had come out !! Remember then ?
Nwadays its , " Njoki, si ukipitia super, letea 4 me zile chapo, aisle no.5 hapo Tuskys" ! WTF !! Ka unajua ur a future BIBI ya mjamaa, i suggest u hold ur tongue and never utter such incoherent syllables to form a similar irrate sentence .... but to gather the courage n join a cooking class of some sort ! This will be duely appreciated , plus u cut down the chances of divorce n being cheated on by the hauz help by 60% , :-) I KID I KID !!! 


Gone are the days wen the whole famo sat down to watch " DERRICK " rule the detective world, and watchn a soap such as the " Rich Also Cry " was a manly event that championed a sport like Cricket (pun intended ) :-) 
Yesss, gone are the days,  when we watched klub kiboko n Jimmy Gathu didnt haunt us with 
" WACHANA na MPANGO WAKO wa KANDO ! " Eeish, Jimmy, wacha kutufichua isivo ! 


Gone are the days wen we would play hop scotch n shake n some would play bladder ( not ME ), nwadays the kids are just a mockery of that ! They get away wit playn in mud, coz some genius at OMO hit us wit " Dirt is Good " ! So no Spankn, no pati pati/Sandak brusin across the cheeks, no rope burns, no burnt marks, no creative tatoos on ur back as a result of the whip handlers INDECISIVENESS as to whip ya ass while jumping, slanted or tilted way back to gain maximum thrust...... Niaatsn of the above ! But come 2 think of if, GOOD RIDDANCE to those medivial days, wat the F was wrong wit some of our parents ! But we love em, dont we now ? :-)


Gone are the days when we would just run around the estate n in town freely unaware of the evils that lie in the shadows, prowlers n rapists and that new breed of gay poacher hunters at TACOS not to be confused with the other Poca Huntas ( that was a babe n a half 4 a cartoon) and the rest of those chichi seasoned clubs ! I say burn all those wicked at heart ! Kwani wea did the plot go wrong that a boy grew up to see anatha boy n wonder wat if we playd hutt hutt !! eeeewwww ! Monkey Balls ! 
Gone are the days ....we need those days wen we played Kalongo wit the gals n looked up thea skirts n didnt get a SLAP ! :-) am not sayn thats wat we do nwdays, but the struggle we go thru to get thea, amazing !!! Climbing everest would be a simpler feat that hookn up wit some of these chics out here ! The Cuandoz n Barbaritas n the Mariaz have just done a gud one on the expectations of shorties nwadayz ! so i reiterate, Gone are the days, wen kuingisha mshi box, ulineed to ka love poem na postage stamps ! aaaah , simpler times ! siku hizi the love poem imekuwa the verbal diarrhoea of lies we tell and the postage stamps zimekuwa the thousand shilling notes we spend ! Anyhu, i was told by a friend, " the MiSSION KLAT ... is to OBTAIN not to COMPLAIN !!! 


Gone are the days you'd watch movies , kina Rambo na Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee and Van Dam, Bolo young and Kwain Chaing Kane , hehe, and you would narrate to ur friends as they sat around you hanging onto ur every word and observed ur technical prowess of the dumbest fighting scene simulations they had ever seen in thea lives, but it seemed so Fuckn REAL !!! ( there are still some wierd people who do that, bt lets spare them for anatha day ) 
Damnit !!!  U gotta miss those days ! 




## Sidenote ##
guys should check out the facebook wall page for " Gotea hiyo story " some funny one punch lines over there and also something to also have a peek at is my pals blog, 
" cevereneherself.blogspot.com " I can vouch 4 her, she's worth the read and funny as hell ! 






B4 i sign out i gotta hit u with the joke of the day, picked it up 4rm a pal of mine on fb,
Ngami Wahinya, maard funny , i had to post it ! Enjoy !


THE NEW SHENG
Jana nilikuwa nimesota, ikabidi niBESIGYE mpaka job. 
Jioni nikakutana na students wa UON wakiWAITITU kwa streets coz kuna karao alikuwa ameOSAMA mmoja wao akidhani ni mwizi. 
Nilipofika hme nikaMURUGI nguo zote ili nioge lakini nikakuta kuna uKIRAITU wa maji. nikaNGILU maji ya neighbour halafu nikaandikia landlord note kwamba nitaGADDAFI kwa nyumba yake bila kulipa rent mpaka anitafutie maji.
Nili mshow landie akiniitia maHUSSEIN ALI mimi afadhali niWANJIRU juu siwezi kusurvive story za kuOCAMPOliwa.


BRAP !!!!

Weight Loss Plan

So today kicked off with a thunderous screech of the brakes, almost hit a bloody traffic cop, but in my defence where the EFF did he come from, twaz like he teleported from the inner lane to the outer lane, but lucky 4me impecable driving skills have never let me down so i kinda knicked him ! Of cos Mzee Jomo Kenyatta came to the rescue and the whole Kibera law court scenario was avoided. Thea was no way i was seeing myself responding to a vioja mahakamani anecdote ...

" UNAKUBALI MASHTAKA AMA LA ? " ..... 

I.O.N. my pal Jose Omera threw down the krazziest hauz warming/ bday party ever. Sprained my back while creating the music playlist but no one wants to believe that story. Had a hard time tryn to explain to the chic sitted next to me that the weef she was catching in the air was the deep heat I had sprayed on my back and not a musky cologne i was tryn out, but 4rm the way i didnt get a number from that dandei, we can assume that didnt fly ! :-)

So Samuel Wanjiru had to watch an explicit porno wit the mrs. n go do " THE PLUNGER " .... Nw 4 all those people in the business who have done this move don't live to tell the tale ,as i hear its a career ENDING move ! So please folks stay away 4rm the balcony or raise em guard rails, atleast if u know uv taken ur wife to court before n publicly humiliated her ! Sad he had to go out the game that way, but i hear he had his Nike's on ..... hmmmm...... probably to ease the landing ! ( OUCH ..... yeah yeah yeah, I KID I KID !! am sorry ! )

So the joke of the day comes from sm1 in the office, mad props , unajijua ! 

A man rings up a certain company n orders their 5-day, 10 kg weight loss program.

The next day, theaz a ka knock on the door n there stands before him ..... a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old dandei dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike ( no pun intended - lol ) running shoes n a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

So bila ku think twice , c tha nikka akamchomoa mbio, teke teke !

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, akajiweigh ...... 10 kg as promised gone ! Brap !

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 kg program.

The next day theaz a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok ( PUN INTENDED - lol ) running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Naye huyoooooo !!! Rubber, wakazikwenda, shortie mbele yakezz, kijiko !!!  Boys na manyege nyuma yake teke teke !! Nikka alikuwa asha ona vile atadish hiyo samo akiikamata ! :-)

Blunder 2 ni moJA !!!!

The girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, another 20 kgs gone! BrAP !!! Manze si hii kampu iko na plan ingine wazimu ! So mwishowe na tamaa ikam-mek, chali si akaamua he was going for broke ! 

He calls the company to order the 7-day/50kg program! MAMBO BWEREREEEE ! Lo !

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day theaz a knock kwa mlango, n when he opens it, he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but PINK ( should i say it, should I ...... they must have been NIke's .....) running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads," IF I CATCH YOU, YOU ARE MINE !!!"

Nikka  lost 63 KG that week. Hahahahahahaha ! 

So all of u fat geezers out there get ur NIKE shoes on ..... n  LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ! 

The views expressed in this column are not of KLAT KING but of all the people who wish he thought like this. I will not be sued coz of this ! Thank you ! PG 22 !

Case of The UGLY !

tha nxt time u call sm1 ugly, well...ad advice u 2 put urself in their shoes coz apparently, ppl dont realize how unfathomably similar u jst might b.

So a man waz apparently arrestd for sending a txt 2 a woman that read, " Mercy, the reason y i didnt sleep wit u, waz coz, 2 tell tha truth, u r down right UGLYYYY ! "

her lawyers said that their client suffered emotional trauma n could neva look at herself in the mirror again.

Cry me a river b**** waz wat evry1 in the court room thot, bt suprise suprise she gt compensatd by the dude,damages 2 tha tune of 58 ngwaa! Warr? Sick right ? Yeah, go woman power n her rights, yadiyadiyada n so on n forth! Kwanza that cöncept of 1/3 perliamentary seats by right of law 4 women mst b linkd 2 Finger of god church, bt am yet 2 prove that !

Mind the short deviatiön, wea waz i ? ...so ya, tha ugly got bank, bt hia iz wea tha story got me on tha floor! Apparently, n this is a fact, she iz listed az no.58 in the guiness book o records, for the top 100 most ugliest ppl in the world ! Hahahaha. Such a list exists? Hahahaha.

N tha story gets even more shockingly better! :-)

Tha poor chap iz on tha same .... god damn .... freakn list 4 tha uglies!

So wat no.is he?

He iz.... (drumroll) ... No. 12. Hahahahahaha.

Talk about going CRAZY UGLY ! lmao !

Who's uglier nw? U b tha judge! :-)

The Audacity of a Player and the Woman Brain !

N yes the title says it all...

who is a player? ask a woman n she will rant n rave obscenities at the questioner !

ask a nikka n u'l get that classical answer ... Dont hate the player, hate the game !

difference btw. the 2 sexes, she got played n he's been a player !

there are women who get played simply coz, they have that big flashing sign on their forehead

that says.... come on lad, can't u see this damzel is desperate, my esteem totally sucks, secondary virginity has definetly struck this neck of the woods and everythng u say will sound like kellogs frosties!

Listen Princess diary ..... u gon get screwd na utatemwa !

then thea iz tha woman who is " Miss Confidence/ New age player" .... (huyu alianza kuplay machali juzi)

Listen just coz u meet men who are metrosexuals n toy with their hearts, then u ought to knw u have not yet played in the big leagues with the heterosexual nikka !

once u meet this nikka, he looks metrosexual from the onset, but he will wow u, ur girlfriends, your mother, ur mboch, ur god mother, n yes he will also wow all ur female pets mtaani kwenu !

Fear not u'l have ur "confidence" atleast when ur girlfriends tell you, he waznt worth it sweety, he just lied 2 us all n we didnt see it sweety, ul get anatha one sweety ( should i stop there? )

then finally we have ....... THE BRAIN ! this one even a player fears ! she strikes fear into the player fraternity coz she has that BRAIN ! don't get me wrong, am not referring to her I.Q. bt that brain has

anaa 8th sense u just dont wanna **** wit!

case n point.... u enter thru the door n wit a wiff she can tell wat u spent,ate,drunk, kissed, banged,wat time u coughed, sneezed, farted, sang, spat, stood, sat, ran, pissed....facebooked ...

( n that reminds me , if u have been caught cheatn thru facebook ..... SHAME ON U, how a lack of skill u clearly do not have n thats y u wea stripped off the title of player in that office)

nw here iz wat i dont get, u clearly have caught the PLAYER , BRAIN, bt watever transpires next iz totally mind boggling .... " mbona unafkiria nakudanganya, si nimetoka kupint na maboyz..... u kn how much i LOVE YOU ! "........ Magic has just happened here people ! coz the BRAIN now goes into Miss confidence/New age Player/ kellogs frosties ! hahaha !

U created the word, we use the word !

A player has a sword, hiz words n THEE word n off cos the BRAIN as a worthy foe !

N/B : I vehemently deny taking part in all ideologies expressed in this note !

FOOTBALL FANS EXPOSED

Being a man united fan i will try my best to avoid bias! to wat level depends with my integrity as a person, fan or a down right plain hooligan ! best be warned i will have no mercy ! :-)

LIVERPOOL

MEN:

have u eva watched captain planet n wonder y he always cleaned the shit out of the world? well Liverpool needed that captain planet n they hired Rafael Benitezzzzz ! this nikka cleaned the bank n yet he still kept the liverfool fan in check ! Liverfool nikkas must be the most full of shit fans coz they still believe in Rafa ! But wen it comes down to true fans , u honestly gotta give it to them coz they are in a shit storm n captain wonderland a.k.a " i aint got nuts without torres" cannot save them, but atleast they have that nursery rhyme.... ul never walk alone ! Flip ! sounds like a michael bolton classic ! OLD N FULL oF SHIT !

LIVERPOOL

WOMEN:

wat can i say about the liverpool women folk, but that they are just retarded. Yes...you..... am talkn 2 u, or u prefer i go fla fla bla bla bla ..... translation> UR SPECIAL, RE-----TARRRRRRD !

ANd the nerve to even go my boyfriend likes the team so i support him ! hahahaha ! My dear have u ever seen Steve G the not so great nwadays, pass the ball to the wing to ur boyfriend? If u have then consider urself RETARDED ! ati support, go for dance lessons, u can support each atha huko !

REAL MADRID

MEN:

well , a "funny bunch" these men are! we gave em ronaldo n 90000 nikkas packed a stadium kucheki msee akipepeta ball ! nw thats hard core right? Nw am guessn some of the new real madrid fans are actually ex- arsenal fans ..... bt al get to them, no hurry ! :-)

REAL MADRID

WOMEN:

here i cant hate, the women enyewe are fly, between the man united and real madrid women supporters am split 50/50...... bt the edge man united women fan club have iz the levele of intelligence once they open they mouths, so ... conclusion, real women fan club .... B L O N D E S ! but u all hot ! :-)

CHELSEA

MEN:

Arrogant bastardo ! haha ! these are ex- arsenal, man united and liverpool fans all in one mad pot of sad male machoism without an emphatic end result. Case n point, wea the fuck did Chelski come from, without their billionaire santa clause ( And honestly wat the flip iz wrong wit that nigga, he smiles thru the whole game..... he n any atha liverpool chic fan are no different, Cartman would have a filed day with this RETARD). Ask any chelsea fan bout the history of their team ( hUKU KEnYA ) utacheka. it starts from 2005 ! N their idol, DROGBA .... hahaha ! SEriouslyyyy !!!! ...... atleast pick TERRY, he haz the balls to sleep wit ur wife n still get in a good tackle ! just make sure he daznt take u down ! hahahaha !

CHELSEA

WOMEN:

Irrate n utterly confused. ask em, who missed the penalty for man united to lift the champions league trophy n they will tell u ..... "Gerrad Buttler !" say whaaaa? ..." oops, wea waz my mind ...." lemme help u with that, twaz in the TOILET !

ARSENAL

boys:

sorry i cant call u men coz the team just does not allow me to ! haha ! OH .... this will be good, do u knw thee difference between a fact finding machine like google and an aresnal fan? there is ABSOLUTELY none !this nikkas can tell u all the facts, from how RVP slept on wat side, BEntdner's cat name, Soll Campbell's favourite bed time story, wat pajamas nasri wears, arshavins waist size, n best of all wat lip gloss fabregas uses ! calling them sissies or girls is just not even a blunder, calling then fans is the blunder ! N that series u boys love to watch called NEXT SEASON, its so over ratted ! hahahahahaha !

ARSENAL

WOMEN:

HAwa ndio wanaitwa moral support assistants. just dont get how u have to watch ur woman/dude cry all the time n still go, " babe, will get em next time" ..... haha ! N this is a fact ... that they will hate to admit ..... In their minds they all say this ... " JUST WISH HE WAS SUPPORTING MAN UNITED ! " haha, ask them boys.... u'l get the el classico response, " NEXT SEASON" Get a grip chic ! U only... LIVE once so my dear .... LEAVE !hehe !

MAN UNITED

MEN:

True fan up in ze buliding n i gotta tell ya since 1996 football haz just been right by all man united fans coz , Sir alex is a genius n 18 titles plus is a fact that no hater can ignore ! wont say much coz much has been done ! :-)

MAN UNITED

WOMEN:

just like the men, hooligans no. 1. pick a fight n this woman will make u plus ur impression of a girlfriend pee in her pants. They are UNITED thru n thru n true fans no doubt. Oh, n yes .... all arsenal fans just wanna hook up wit em, so ... MORAL SUPPORTN SHORTIES ebu angalia, i thnk ur gettn PLAYED ! Bt u chose football didnt u? hahahahaha !

URZ TRULLY,

MJB !

feel free to hate .... :-)

WORKS OF ART

Who iz a photographer ?

defns........

Oxford dictionary : A person who takes photographs, especially as a job !

FacebooK : A REAL DEAL BAD ASS PHOTO UPLOADER with a camera !

Moving along ..... long gone are the days wen u posted a pic of urself that waz point 5 of a megapixel on FB. the china phones well n trully hace also assisted the common nikka in reachn the 3 megapixel range n over ! So nw, we get quality pics n upload em as we choose ! 
Bt theaz a breed of pictures croppin up, the ones that have that ridiculous OMG comment tagged to them ! N i hate that comment....... O.... M...... G !
if it were a colour it would be pink ! word of advice, if uz a straight nikka dont be attachn this to anything in ur life let alone NOTHING ! Say it out aloud if u think am lying !

Back 2 the thick o things, nwadays photoz on FB are just getting 2 professional ! Yaani i actually look at all my pics n its fun moments wit real emotions n gettn caught on camera with no inhibitions ! Yes, so kuna zile zingine TUMETWANGA ! BT ni reality ! :-)

Nw, since wen did people start going for posing lessons, coz i didnt get the memo ! U get sm1 haz put a photo of them during a BUSINESS meeting n , suprise, suprise... they are actually working the camera ! WTF ! like its going to be on the spread of business weekly ! 

Hw daz one get away wit that ! N dont say am hating i just need sm realness thats all am saying !

N the best ones are the couple photoz ! waaattttt ! hizi sio zile za River road... with an assorted mixture of landscape painted curtains at the back !

This nikkas are doing some futuristic, CGI , edited photos ! watu hawajawai enda rome, fountain of love, lakini hiyo mbisha yao wako rome kwa fountain n the lighting iz just remarkable ! For effect they throw in a hollographic baby as a freebie, u know vile wakenya hupenda vitu on the house !

N then kuna wale couples lazima wapige picha zote pamoja na hizo ndio profile pic ! dont get me wrong its a gud thing. I actually advocate 4 it ndio we knw 4rm tha onset ur taken !

Bt thea thos annoying couples, you know..... the ones who WONT enter a jav,.... wen thea are like 2 seats left...... n since they wont seat side by side.....hawaingii, n dare you kindly ask them waingie ndio mat iende..... ur given that look of wat u trynna break them apart 4 !
I mean COME ON ! N if they get in the jav, watachukua picha zao pamoja after every bill board on uhuru highway ! hehe, wacha 2, they call it LOVE , i call it passion driven by communism ! 
:-)

Then theaz the PROFESSIONAL work done wit the, STADIUM floodlights, n the powdered nose, hollywood setting type of pics ! the ones that make you realise either.......... U... IZ maard UGLY :-) ....... or thats sm seriously good camera work going on there, coz uv nevr seen that person look like that kwa mwangaza ! :-)

N we cant forget the bulletin uploaders ! these guys actually update their status n simultaneously post a photo kuonyesha that thats, really, wats going down ! hawaa ...... wanalipwa na facebook ! Coz if u aint being paid seriously...... SERIOUSLYYYYYY ! Get a ...... HOBBIE !

n CLICK... CLICK ! anatha photo haz just been uploaded, so..... when u see tha next one on ur update walls....... comment wisely ! :-)

SKINNY JEEZ

Habari yako , :-)

Wat in freakn bullocks name are SKINNY JEEZ ? well al start wit Skinny jeans, n then ul understand wat skee jeez, skinny jeez or NUT chokerz are!

Ladies Fashion aint my strong suit n that sits fine by me ! When Skinny JEANS came out, we, the MAle fraternity, were all in full smile az we kept in rhythm 2 ur full swing n jiration of hips n curves that seemingly just appeared out of nowhere in the streets of NAIROBI ! yo'll wea lookn mzuri, it waz like a renaissence of GOODY GOODY ! :-)

Nw this waz a fashion fad well executed ! Kudos ! Of cos there are some new luminous jaw dropping colors that have cropped up bt bado .... iko room ya ku WORK IT !

Nw onto, the SKINNY JEEZ ! Smwea , sm freak of a fashionist waz touched by the spirit of Lady GAGa n envisioned himself in skinny jeans, in his flower garden , as he picked a bunch of dandelions, before he ran off into the sunset wit hiz mexican gadener.... RAUL !

Its for this reason that i know for a fact that the designer of MALE skinny jeans a.k.a Skinny JEEZ waz dfntly.......... GAY ! Hapo hakuna excuse !

As full heterosexual NIKKAs, we have seen our nut sack grow exponentially since we stopped peeing kwa POTTY ! N thats why u will find SOME of us ( If not all) on the couch, remote in one hand n the atha hand in pants, firmly assuring urself that it daz grow ! :-)

Women or many peoeple might view this as disgusting, bt i thnk for those who do this pass time, do it sub consiously n its jst nature taking its course.

Nw, wit this in mind .... u have to be totally n desperately..... wishn u did not own a nut sack ! Coz i cant fathom how u squeeze ur full grown, NIkkA, adult male ass, into pants that wea made wit half the material compared to a pair of socks that you own !

N chics az we know them will tell you, they look good on guys, be it they wanna see butt cheeks in a choke hold, or for a common few whose nature is to accept majority of wat fashion regurgetates,( no pun intended), is as mind boggln to me az it is to you :-)

Most women , if not all the time, tell their fellow fashionistas :-) ..... that the piece of punishment on their ankles ( Heels 4rm GROGON business district) look good wen we are all laughn on the streets at the nature of how u walk ( its like u are pressed evrytime ur walkn) coz msichana wa wenyewe hajazoea high heeled shoes :-)

Its for that reason wen they tell you..... dear Sir,.... you look good in those NUT CHOKERS!!! ....... pause, reflect n understand, that they realize u wanna join them in the powder room during their make up sessions !

I for one believe i should not see you, a SIR, if you are well over 16 yrs of age ..." ati ur ROCKN" ...

< YUCK> ( Nani huongea hivi??? ) .... SKINNY JEEZ ! Coz u can az well be on ur way 2 being a famous ballerina !

Jose, Bett , the GANG ! Malizia...... me nimechoka SANA ! Ad rather hang out wit an albino cock roach over a beer than a nikka wearing nut chokazz !

THOSE CAMP FIRE JOKES

1. A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument. So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused. 

So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd buy her a gift. 

"Any thing at all, my love", the guy said, overcome with remorse. 

"Oh, I don't know", she replied, "You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need." 

The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy.

2. Man buys his wife a valentines present. She opens it and asks, "What the F*** do I want with a rocket?!"

    Husband replies, "You wanted space, now F*** off!

3. I went to a job interview yesterday for the position of Domestic Abuse Advisor. Apparently, advising the husband to lead with the left wasn't the sort of advice they wanted.

4. My girlfriend, says that men only say their cars are a she, because they can get inside them any time they want.

   I politely added, that we can also turn them on, control them and abandon or sell them whenever we want.

5. My girlfriend came back from the hairdressers She gushed "Do you notice the difference?"

   My answer "Its definitely got warmer in the last few days" ....... make it about 23 hours and 40 mins since she last spoke to me.

6. Dave watched his flat chested wife try on her new bra."What do you want a bra for? You've got nothing to put in them", he smirked.

   "I don't complain when you buy underpants" she replied.

7. How do you stop your wife from nagging you in the car from the front seat?

     Sit her in the back!

8. Dimitar Berbatov walks into a bar with a dog, who has no limbs, no tail, no eyes, and no nose.

   The barman says, "Dear Lord, what a useless creature! Where did you get him from?"

   "Tottenham Hotspur", the dog replies.