AWOOOOOOH !!!
wassup good people, ati mnasambaza ma rumour ati KLAT KING died ??? where ?How ? GOMONGO !!! kama ulienda matanga yake basi inua mkono, kama si hivo, keti chini mzeeiya ! CHOKA SSSSSSSSSANA !!!
:-)
Jobo been stressing a nikka so am just giving you guys a shout out to know am still here wit ya , got a couple of projects under my belt ( heey ladies .... " UNDER MY BELT " ...* wink wink * .... ) n that was not in any way sexual, coz we all know wats under my belt n thats a zipper :-)
More on that and i am not responsible for your actions :-)
Gotta bounce, but before that ,WHO THE F*** is that guy who reads the gazeti wit Jimmy Gathu in the morning on citizen ??? Next post tunaFAGILIA mtu ! check out madd traxx's new joint ITA WAITER !!! December should rock.
1814 goes to coast , 9th -12 Dec, haha, ama defntly come back wit ALOT to tell !!!
AHI , is up and running check out the FB page , like it , be active n help a needy child, lets BRIDGE THE GAP ! Inspired by the wife, :-) Gakii Biriri
Juts a quick one before I KLAT out
If you know u wear a weave , pliz tell the hair dress to fix that thing proper , its embarassing you dont have an umbrella n your getting rained on , but the wind blows and ur weave goes off looking for other weaves on the run.
Worse .... you break a heel chasing after it na unajua hizo ni viatu uliomba nani ... damn shawty , i feel for you n the factory that manufactured that hair and we all know ur girlfriend is gonna WILD OUT on ur ass bout her shoes :-)
Am just saying the TAG on the weave should read : please keep away from A GUST OF WIND :-)
KLAT OUT !!! BRAP !!!
Friday, 2 December 2011
AWOOOOOOH !!!
wassup good people, ati mnasambaza ma rumour ati KLAT KING died ??? where ?How ? GOMONGO !!! kama ulienda matanga yake basi inua mkono, kama si hivo, keti chini mzeeiya ! CHOKA SSSSSSSSSANA !!!
:-)
Jobo been stressing a nikka so am just giving you guys a shout out to know am still here wit ya , got a couple of projects under my belt ( heey ladies .... " UNDER MY BELT " ...* wink wink * .... ) n that was not in any way sexual, coz we all know wats under my belt n thats a zipper :-)
More on that and i am not responsible for your actions :-)
Gotta bounce, but before that ,WHO THE F*** is that guy who reads the gazeti wit Jimmy Gathu in the morning on citizen ??? Next post tunaFAGILIA mtu ! check out madd traxx's new joint ITA WAITER !!! December should rock.
1814 goes to coast , 9th -12 Dec, haha, ama defntly come back wit ALOT to tell !!!
AHI , is up and running check out the FB page , like it , be active n help a needy child, lets BRIDGE THE GAP ! Inspired by the wife, :-) Gakii Biriri
Juts a quick one before I KLAT out
If you know u wear a weave , pliz tell the hair dress to fix that thing proper , its embarassing you dont have an umbrella n your getting rained on , but the wind blows and ur weave goes off looking for other weaves on the run.
Worse .... you break a heel chasing after it na unajua hizo ni viatu uliomba nani ... damn shawty , i feel for you n the factory that manufactured that hair and we all know ur girlfriend is gonna WILD OUT on ur ass bout her shoes :-)
Am just saying the TAG on the weave should read : please keep away from A GUST OF WIND :-)
KLAT OUT !!! BRAP !!!
wassup good people, ati mnasambaza ma rumour ati KLAT KING died ??? where ?How ? GOMONGO !!! kama ulienda matanga yake basi inua mkono, kama si hivo, keti chini mzeeiya ! CHOKA SSSSSSSSSANA !!!
:-)
Jobo been stressing a nikka so am just giving you guys a shout out to know am still here wit ya , got a couple of projects under my belt ( heey ladies .... " UNDER MY BELT " ...* wink wink * .... ) n that was not in any way sexual, coz we all know wats under my belt n thats a zipper :-)
More on that and i am not responsible for your actions :-)
Gotta bounce, but before that ,WHO THE F*** is that guy who reads the gazeti wit Jimmy Gathu in the morning on citizen ??? Next post tunaFAGILIA mtu ! check out madd traxx's new joint ITA WAITER !!! December should rock.
1814 goes to coast , 9th -12 Dec, haha, ama defntly come back wit ALOT to tell !!!
AHI , is up and running check out the FB page , like it , be active n help a needy child, lets BRIDGE THE GAP ! Inspired by the wife, :-) Gakii Biriri
Juts a quick one before I KLAT out
If you know u wear a weave , pliz tell the hair dress to fix that thing proper , its embarassing you dont have an umbrella n your getting rained on , but the wind blows and ur weave goes off looking for other weaves on the run.
Worse .... you break a heel chasing after it na unajua hizo ni viatu uliomba nani ... damn shawty , i feel for you n the factory that manufactured that hair and we all know ur girlfriend is gonna WILD OUT on ur ass bout her shoes :-)
Am just saying the TAG on the weave should read : please keep away from A GUST OF WIND :-)
KLAT OUT !!! BRAP !!!
Tuesday, 25 October 2011
AL SHABEEZY in KENYA and that BREAK UP LETTER !!!
Guess who B-ZAK ???? KLAT KING mara anatha !!! :-)
Wsup fellow klatists , yaani, its been a min yah ??... Me am ready to release all the Ujinga in my head.
The trance in my headphones is telling me that we should all adopt a baby tree and plant it in remembrance of the Most Amazing Woman, a Kenyan, Nobel Peace winner Waangari Mathai , i have my weed tree in the back yard sprouting away, have you planted yours ?
Jivunie kuwa mkenya ! Panda bhangi ama miraa, faida ya kuvutia mvua ili kuondoa ukame ipo lakini with ADDED benefits of .... what ? of nini ?
Of ... HIGHness , AWOOOH !! :-)
The atha day i was walking to the market ... ( ... just sounded cool to start a story like that :-) ..... ) , anyhu, so i was walking to the market and i saw a PROBOX, nw i know nikkas have hated on this moti like a Mother (...SHUT YO MOUTH ) !!!
Honestly all i could think of was it looked like a freakn "cereal box" , and not even your averagely, cool , awesome Kellogs Frosties cereal box, you know ? This car looks like that one pack of Weetabix.
Or better yet , have u seen that ka box of UJI MIX ? eheeeeh, kama hiyo basi ! But for mtu wa sales , hiyo gari ni sawa coz ur just advertizing a cereal brand and NO one can mess wit mobile marketing, trust me.
Al shabaab , Al shabibi, Al Ashawo, Al sha-watever ? WTF !!! these A-holes are killing kenyans wit grenades and they think they are hardcore ?? Wankers !! how can they claim to be terrorists and they use devices that they throw away and run off like a bunch of sissys !
Atleast go down wit some balls like ur fellow suicide bombing ululating dudu birds in Palestine.
Bt honestly, they have got some Kenyans paranoid , people now cant even trust the mboch, the mboch next door, ur relatives mboch ..... u just cant trust these people :-) ( no pun intended to mboches being referred to as Al qaeda Otteroz ) How that reference even occurred to me i have no clue. :-)
All am saying is not to live in fear and please people let us kill some of the paranoia , when a Walach checks in the jav wit three mangoes and no one wants to sit next to them, thats just stereo typing bana !!
Why would anyone put a grenade in a mango ? Omba msee maembe , tukule , tufurahie, na twende zetu bana ! Lakini if the WaaahrRia checks into the jav na sijui anatoa mapera kwa juala , aaaiii, jump for cover, av never seen a walach kula a mapera ! Am just saying :-)
N si theaz a ka song in kisapere that says " GURUNETI " , yeh ?? Just wondering if its a club banger due to recent events .. get it ?? club "BANGER" ?? huh , u gotta admit u must be smiling yeh ? :-)
N that one for that guy " I will catch a grenade for you .... " ? Ladies si mnaijua ? Si mmeimbiwa hii wimbo since it chucked, roho zenu zika melt, eh ?Sasa wacha tuone kama he will kamata that grenade for you ... :-)
true test of love , pale OTC ikifyatuka na akuwache ukisimama hapo solo, my dear, kameumana , that relationship is a hoax ! :-)
SIDE NOTE : When you start composing songs that go like " ni maDizi ama ni mashuGwa " ... and you form a choir reciting that line over n over again wit a tenor, alto ,bass and soprano ensemble ...... please note that u are just NOT drunk ..... you my friends ..... are seriously PISS drunk !! :-)
P.S.. I was the tenor :-))
Bush dinner , now this is some exciting stuff , arrange wit a couple of friends, go to Maasai lodge and do this dinner, it will change your life .... At some point u will find urself composing a choir similar to the one i have described above, but i must insist ... that level of artistry is attained at an altitude of (JW + Smirnoff Vodka + Tusker + Baileys) meters.
You will find yourself being served wit a Maasai who talks like he studied in Cambridge and pissed in the halls of Harvard.
Your chef will cook finger licking food from various sized pots and yes kind SIR, you will go back home and tell ur mothers, girlfriends and wives ( not forgetting Klandez ) to take POT cookery lessons.
Theaz just something about food cooked in a pot that i couldn't put my finger to it.
You will find yourself staring in the dark over the escarpment looking yonder into the national park, wondering if you pissed over the edge, will the squirrels down below come out to party in the warm rain :-)
Such thoughts will cloud your head but the clanging and banging of vifuniko vya sufuria ( as they usher in the cake ) will bring you back from such warm and heartfelt thoughts for the squirrels.
SIDE NOTE : A squirrel is a cute RAT !!
Who among you has not had the MUTURI call ?? hahaha, Nw that is some funny ass ish ! Look for the link, put it in your ipod, ipad, iphone, whichever device u have that starts with an " i " , and u did not hear me mention the IDIOS for obvious reasons ( as that does not fall under the category of a media device ) :-)
Play that clip over and over in the office and you will be the office hero or you will be fired for sexual harassment. :-)
Am just shocked that the idea of a girl saying " nimekupikia nyama " will coarse me into jumping out of bed in the middle of the night , to go get laid !! Is meat really that CRUCIAL an incentive when it comes to an offer of lungula ?
Why couldn't she have just said something like "Muturi nimekununulia Probox".
Ama that wouldn't have worked ? :-)
Am sure Muturi would have sped off to her arms in that cold dark night !
But on a Serious note .... Ladies : ITS NEVER THAT SERIOUS !
:-) hmmm ... quite the oxyMORON i must admit !
And shame on you Muturi, a lady should never beg to get LAID !! Am just saying if she wants it, she can get it elsewhere and for all of you Muturis out there, this is not good .
Speaking of getting laid, just watch the new video " LAY IT ON ME " for Kelly Rowland ( chucking that name bila kushema ni ngumu sana .. for me i.e. ) Wololo ! Yaani, she does things that my brain begged her to do a while back , thank you .... Kelly , Thank you Kerry Row... hehe ... (i need a linguistic teacher ) ASANDA sana !!
So being the month of break ups :-) , yesss folks .... it is that time of the year , and your hell bent on doing it before Christmas coz u know your cheap ass ain't buy no presents , lol !
Am kidding , its tough i know, so ... for all those broken hearts out there here's something to cheer you up :-)
I got this old letter that has been doing rounds on the internet , you might have read it , if not, its worth the read and u will have a good chuckle :-) u might even use it ... Am just saying :-)
Dear Connie ,
I know the counselor said we shouldn’t contact each other during our “cooling off” period, but I couldn’t wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I’d never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss you. I don’t care about looking bad anymore. I don’t care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it’s time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says “There’s no one like you, Connie.” I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they’re not you. They’re not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don’t say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.
She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn’t believe and an ass that just wouldn’t quit. Every man’s dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we’ve made important in our lives. It’s all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I’m getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I’m never really thought of that before.
I don’t know, maybe I’m just growing up a little. Later, after I’d tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt (najua hapa kuna wengine who wont get what he meant but ni sawa,hahaha)
I found myself thinking, “Why do I feel so drained and empty?” It wasn’t just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.
Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn’t feel the same because you weren’t there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. LMAO !!!
Jesus, Connie, I’m just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn’t eating right without a woman around. I didn’t know what she meant till later, but that’s not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we’re banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart’s a total monster in the sack. She’s giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she’s not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. hahaha
And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother’s old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it’s totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can’t help thinking, “Why didn’t Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We’ve had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy.” * dead with laughter *
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky’s just a kid and all, but she’s got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She’s given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She’s pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we’re doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here’s this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky’s really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I’m thrusting inside your baby sister’s cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. hahaha, WAAAAT ???
It’s true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don’t you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.
Love, Dan
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ! Dan u are a sick man !!! I will advise people not to follow Dan's methodology ! :-)
But DAN kinda rules !!! hahahaha ! So Make Love Not War ! :-) and if u spot an Al Boabab ... U better " Take that nikka down ."
And on that note , KLAT OUT !!!
CHOKA SsssssssssssANAAAAAA !!!!!
SMACK !!!
P.S. Av had enough of the man united jokes ! We are still winning the league ! but Johnny Evans can #$%**@ off !
GGMU !
Wsup fellow klatists , yaani, its been a min yah ??... Me am ready to release all the Ujinga in my head.
The trance in my headphones is telling me that we should all adopt a baby tree and plant it in remembrance of the Most Amazing Woman, a Kenyan, Nobel Peace winner Waangari Mathai , i have my weed tree in the back yard sprouting away, have you planted yours ?
Jivunie kuwa mkenya ! Panda bhangi ama miraa, faida ya kuvutia mvua ili kuondoa ukame ipo lakini with ADDED benefits of .... what ? of nini ?
Of ... HIGHness , AWOOOH !! :-)
The atha day i was walking to the market ... ( ... just sounded cool to start a story like that :-) ..... ) , anyhu, so i was walking to the market and i saw a PROBOX, nw i know nikkas have hated on this moti like a Mother (...SHUT YO MOUTH ) !!!
Honestly all i could think of was it looked like a freakn "cereal box" , and not even your averagely, cool , awesome Kellogs Frosties cereal box, you know ? This car looks like that one pack of Weetabix.
Or better yet , have u seen that ka box of UJI MIX ? eheeeeh, kama hiyo basi ! But for mtu wa sales , hiyo gari ni sawa coz ur just advertizing a cereal brand and NO one can mess wit mobile marketing, trust me.
Al shabaab , Al shabibi, Al Ashawo, Al sha-watever ? WTF !!! these A-holes are killing kenyans wit grenades and they think they are hardcore ?? Wankers !! how can they claim to be terrorists and they use devices that they throw away and run off like a bunch of sissys !
Atleast go down wit some balls like ur fellow suicide bombing ululating dudu birds in Palestine.
Bt honestly, they have got some Kenyans paranoid , people now cant even trust the mboch, the mboch next door, ur relatives mboch ..... u just cant trust these people :-) ( no pun intended to mboches being referred to as Al qaeda Otteroz ) How that reference even occurred to me i have no clue. :-)
All am saying is not to live in fear and please people let us kill some of the paranoia , when a Walach checks in the jav wit three mangoes and no one wants to sit next to them, thats just stereo typing bana !!
Why would anyone put a grenade in a mango ? Omba msee maembe , tukule , tufurahie, na twende zetu bana ! Lakini if the WaaahrRia checks into the jav na sijui anatoa mapera kwa juala , aaaiii, jump for cover, av never seen a walach kula a mapera ! Am just saying :-)
N si theaz a ka song in kisapere that says " GURUNETI " , yeh ?? Just wondering if its a club banger due to recent events .. get it ?? club "BANGER" ?? huh , u gotta admit u must be smiling yeh ? :-)
N that one for that guy " I will catch a grenade for you .... " ? Ladies si mnaijua ? Si mmeimbiwa hii wimbo since it chucked, roho zenu zika melt, eh ?Sasa wacha tuone kama he will kamata that grenade for you ... :-)
true test of love , pale OTC ikifyatuka na akuwache ukisimama hapo solo, my dear, kameumana , that relationship is a hoax ! :-)
SIDE NOTE : When you start composing songs that go like " ni maDizi ama ni mashuGwa " ... and you form a choir reciting that line over n over again wit a tenor, alto ,bass and soprano ensemble ...... please note that u are just NOT drunk ..... you my friends ..... are seriously PISS drunk !! :-)
P.S.. I was the tenor :-))
Bush dinner , now this is some exciting stuff , arrange wit a couple of friends, go to Maasai lodge and do this dinner, it will change your life .... At some point u will find urself composing a choir similar to the one i have described above, but i must insist ... that level of artistry is attained at an altitude of (JW + Smirnoff Vodka + Tusker + Baileys) meters.
You will find yourself being served wit a Maasai who talks like he studied in Cambridge and pissed in the halls of Harvard.
Your chef will cook finger licking food from various sized pots and yes kind SIR, you will go back home and tell ur mothers, girlfriends and wives ( not forgetting Klandez ) to take POT cookery lessons.
Theaz just something about food cooked in a pot that i couldn't put my finger to it.
You will find yourself staring in the dark over the escarpment looking yonder into the national park, wondering if you pissed over the edge, will the squirrels down below come out to party in the warm rain :-)
Such thoughts will cloud your head but the clanging and banging of vifuniko vya sufuria ( as they usher in the cake ) will bring you back from such warm and heartfelt thoughts for the squirrels.
SIDE NOTE : A squirrel is a cute RAT !!
Who among you has not had the MUTURI call ?? hahaha, Nw that is some funny ass ish ! Look for the link, put it in your ipod, ipad, iphone, whichever device u have that starts with an " i " , and u did not hear me mention the IDIOS for obvious reasons ( as that does not fall under the category of a media device ) :-)
Play that clip over and over in the office and you will be the office hero or you will be fired for sexual harassment. :-)
Am just shocked that the idea of a girl saying " nimekupikia nyama " will coarse me into jumping out of bed in the middle of the night , to go get laid !! Is meat really that CRUCIAL an incentive when it comes to an offer of lungula ?
Why couldn't she have just said something like "Muturi nimekununulia Probox".
Ama that wouldn't have worked ? :-)
Am sure Muturi would have sped off to her arms in that cold dark night !
But on a Serious note .... Ladies : ITS NEVER THAT SERIOUS !
:-) hmmm ... quite the oxyMORON i must admit !
And shame on you Muturi, a lady should never beg to get LAID !! Am just saying if she wants it, she can get it elsewhere and for all of you Muturis out there, this is not good .
Speaking of getting laid, just watch the new video " LAY IT ON ME " for Kelly Rowland ( chucking that name bila kushema ni ngumu sana .. for me i.e. ) Wololo ! Yaani, she does things that my brain begged her to do a while back , thank you .... Kelly , Thank you Kerry Row... hehe ... (i need a linguistic teacher ) ASANDA sana !!
So being the month of break ups :-) , yesss folks .... it is that time of the year , and your hell bent on doing it before Christmas coz u know your cheap ass ain't buy no presents , lol !
Am kidding , its tough i know, so ... for all those broken hearts out there here's something to cheer you up :-)
I got this old letter that has been doing rounds on the internet , you might have read it , if not, its worth the read and u will have a good chuckle :-) u might even use it ... Am just saying :-)
Dear Connie ,
I know the counselor said we shouldn’t contact each other during our “cooling off” period, but I couldn’t wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I’d never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss you. I don’t care about looking bad anymore. I don’t care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it’s time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says “There’s no one like you, Connie.” I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they’re not you. They’re not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don’t say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.
She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn’t believe and an ass that just wouldn’t quit. Every man’s dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we’ve made important in our lives. It’s all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I’m getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I’m never really thought of that before.
I don’t know, maybe I’m just growing up a little. Later, after I’d tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt (najua hapa kuna wengine who wont get what he meant but ni sawa,hahaha)
I found myself thinking, “Why do I feel so drained and empty?” It wasn’t just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.
Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn’t feel the same because you weren’t there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. LMAO !!!
Jesus, Connie, I’m just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn’t eating right without a woman around. I didn’t know what she meant till later, but that’s not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we’re banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart’s a total monster in the sack. She’s giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she’s not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. hahaha
And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother’s old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it’s totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can’t help thinking, “Why didn’t Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We’ve had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy.” * dead with laughter *
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky’s just a kid and all, but she’s got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She’s given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She’s pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we’re doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here’s this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky’s really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I’m thrusting inside your baby sister’s cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. hahaha, WAAAAT ???
It’s true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don’t you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.
Love, Dan
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ! Dan u are a sick man !!! I will advise people not to follow Dan's methodology ! :-)
But DAN kinda rules !!! hahahaha ! So Make Love Not War ! :-) and if u spot an Al Boabab ... U better " Take that nikka down ."
And on that note , KLAT OUT !!!
CHOKA SsssssssssssANAAAAAA !!!!!
SMACK !!!
P.S. Av had enough of the man united jokes ! We are still winning the league ! but Johnny Evans can #$%**@ off !
GGMU !
Friday, 9 September 2011
Ntajuaje huyu MANZI wa MINE ni CHIZI ???
FRIDAAAAAAAY ! Thats wsup people ! Mad excitoz for the weekend , jobo sucks and the new chic interns hawaleti show :-)
Anyhu, moving along, so my mate the atha day was in a fix, coz he met this new dendei and he kinda realised from the start somethng was off with her. Yes, he did meet her outside St.Andrews Ward in Nairobi Hosi, but i mean she didnt have the patient "drapes" on ( later we came to find out that she had just been discharged) . Nairobi has a couple of pretty cool chics and i aint complaining, am just saying kuna wale tunafaa kupeleka mathare , thats all :-) So hw do you tell if she is mental , how do you know from the minute words come out of her mouth that she is not a twat from Crazyville , what are the signs people ....What are the signs i ask ?
Well ..... i think i might just have found the answers to that :-) Allow me !!!
Well ..... i think i might just have found the answers to that :-) Allow me !!!
And lenga that she has "crazy eyes" - How I met your Mother ,cliche takataka !!
For starters, kama u hooked up wit her outside Kenya Cinema, you should lose all hope in your pursuit of happiness :-)
If you then proceed to walk with her from Kenya Cinema to hapo nje ya Gill House and in that short span of meeting her, she looks into your eyes and says, "No one has ever made me feel quite the way you do." ImmendYYYET ....wikia konkodi ( matatu tout ) .... " Mathree ya South B pesa ngapi ?" Na uende missing mara zat zat !!! :-)
Alafu kuna wale even before uv fikad digz from your first date, she's sent you 13 text messages na asha kutag kwa picha zake zote facebook :-)
When it comes to make up, if every time she smiles and there is always lipstick on her teeth ..... Boss, false start or otherwise , u better Usain Bolt outta there and no one is going to disqualify you bro, no one !! Not even those Daegu officials :-)
After lungula ( after kulimana shtiax ) , say after kedo 10 minaz ( minutes ) , and she's picking out baby names .....
" I will call my first baby Johe Manuel or Chicharito Jesus " ..... RUN nikka, RUN son, RUN !!! Mental cannot even be used to define this dendei.
" I will call my first baby Johe Manuel or Chicharito Jesus " ..... RUN nikka, RUN son, RUN !!! Mental cannot even be used to define this dendei.
So she invites you to her digz, u know meet the parents scenario .... And upon checking into that hao, you overhear her Ol man ( dad ) mutter somethng under a cough,
"Poor bastard." :-) That my friend is a what we call a sign sent from up ..... ABOVE !!! Heavenly intervention, eeeish .... my guy , u cannot ignore that one baba !
"Poor bastard." :-) That my friend is a what we call a sign sent from up ..... ABOVE !!! Heavenly intervention, eeeish .... my guy , u cannot ignore that one baba !
If its the first date and she's a ka-single mum and she turns to her 4 yr old kiddo and goes like " Boyyyyy, Boyyyyy, kuja hapa , usalimiane Daddy yako mpya !! " lol !
Baba Boyyyyy ..... Teke msee ! Yaani u just run as fast as u can mpaka u make sure u leave a dust cloud like the way cartoons do ! Hapo hufai kuonekana tena :-)
Baba Boyyyyy ..... Teke msee ! Yaani u just run as fast as u can mpaka u make sure u leave a dust cloud like the way cartoons do ! Hapo hufai kuonekana tena :-)
If she comes around the office and she threatens to tandika your 99 year old secretary coz ali smile at you , that is not a sign , that is a freaking BILL BOARD ALERT !!! N if i was to ask the ladies ( crazy ones ) Ni nini hii when other chics smile at us , mnaruka ruka ni kama mmekalia line ya stima ??? It is just a smile .. :-)
If you dating a chic and she starts each and every freakn conversation with, “My pastor says … ” lol !! Am not hating on the faithful but hapa iko shida !
Or " My psychiatrist says ... " unangoja nini ??? ama ur waiting for the day she starts carrying a cockroach in a box and calling it a pet ndo uanze kukimbia ?? SHTOOPID !!!
Or " My psychiatrist says ... " unangoja nini ??? ama ur waiting for the day she starts carrying a cockroach in a box and calling it a pet ndo uanze kukimbia ?? SHTOOPID !!!
If she has sijui thatee faeee ( 35 ) tattoos, and 19 of them are covering up old boyfriends' names ... trust me she was not going for a doodle design, she doesn't work in a tattoo palour and if she was going for the Lil Wayne look, i mean .... I BEG you kind SIR .... ARE u %#$@$ Retarded ?
Ur name is gon be up there lost in that forest of tattoos and we are going to sing songs about you as we drink and make merry at the watering hole ( BAR ) :-)
Ur name is gon be up there lost in that forest of tattoos and we are going to sing songs about you as we drink and make merry at the watering hole ( BAR ) :-)
If you walk into her toilet/ bathroom and she has stacked up reading materials ( magazeti ) and they include books
( magazeti ) like 'Schizophrenia and You: a Biblical Solution' and 'Women Who Beat the Men Who Love Them.' ... Eh okay, iko problems na shida iko na YEYE , HERSELF and her other significant OTHERS in her head :-)
( magazeti ) like 'Schizophrenia and You: a Biblical Solution' and 'Women Who Beat the Men Who Love Them.' ... Eh okay, iko problems na shida iko na YEYE , HERSELF and her other significant OTHERS in her head :-)
Worse still if u have known her for like 3 days and u pata her chilling outside your apartment door, UNINVITED, when you arrive from an evening out, she must be the mental type. Note, the words in CAPS, "UNINVITED" ! We all love suprises but nikka if its not ur birthday or that " suprise sex visit " ..... FUKUZA yeye ! lol
We all love pets yeah ..... but if she be up in that crib of hers owning more than 3 cats, that chic is A-WALL ! (And I'm being generous here. I think cats are like some reincarnation of crazy women who committed suicide in their previous life :-) I joke, i kid, i joke, i don't :-)
Ummm ..... If she invites you home to meet her family in under 30 days, you either must be the family pet coz she adopted you from a shelter or me am hearing wedding bells .... anyone else hearing them ? ... na si ile "DING DOooooNG" ya mlango , ni ile " KILINGI ...KILINGI ....KILINGI ", like the one for baba krismas bebaz ( bad joke, but hey it was funnier in my head )
Another thing you should look out for with this crazy chic persona is if she begins showing up at all your favorite hangouts and pretends it's a coincidence. " Aki why do we patana like everywhere, yaani .... we like so much in common ! " .... UWONGO !!!!
That dendei has ur ass LOW JACKED and CAR TRACK can't even match her skillz baba ! She be Shaolin Ninja on those suprise visits n s***.
That dendei has ur ass LOW JACKED and CAR TRACK can't even match her skillz baba ! She be Shaolin Ninja on those suprise visits n s***.
If she "systematically" has sex with all your friends, she is trouble and she is what we call a NYMPHO- COOCOOdoodle !!! :-) Stay AWAY from this one ! Am not mincing my words unless gonorrhea to you sounds like a tub of ice cream sunday and goody goody !
If she begins contacting your x-girlfriends to pump them for info ... it never ends well coz she be contacting ur sistaz n ur mum next. This one anaelekea uwendawazimu and she will be top of the class . Coz of her skills other crazies
( i.e. chics who aspire to be her ) will fund her ( ....yaani she pokeaz a scholarship )
( i.e. chics who aspire to be her ) will fund her ( ....yaani she pokeaz a scholarship )
Someone in the office has added .... ati if she says stuff like, "I don't know what ad do if we broke up," or "I wouldn't wanna live without you," or "the third time I was admitted to ICU, " haha, mzeeiya ni kundyeLELEZZZ !!!
Dont really know how much truth there is to this , but hey its a funny opinion. Or if she has the suicide hotline on speed dial .... tank that dendei coz dfntly the planets don't align for her :-)
Dont really know how much truth there is to this , but hey its a funny opinion. Or if she has the suicide hotline on speed dial .... tank that dendei coz dfntly the planets don't align for her :-)
Oh ... and check out her medicine cabinet/ table/ dressing mirror draws , and if they contains bottles of Lexepro, Abilify, and Zyprexa ( I googled these ones ) :-) then my nikka u in line for a whole lotta pain. And i read that they only prescribe Zyprexa to the REALLY crazy ones baba. Lmao !! Yaani wale wameFYATUKS !
Stole this from somewhere ...... If she professes "No one's ever understood me like you do" and "I've never felt this way with a man before" on the first date , hehehe, what more can I say ??
Finally i want you to understand me clearly. If she says that she just WANTS TO HAVE SEX and does NOT WANT A COMMITMENT and YOU ( .... you of all people imagine that ... )
:-) can CONTINUE to SEE other WOMEN.... Trust me you are NOT LUCKY , hii si ile blessing that you have been praying for u GOMONGO !!! This is the NDEFOH ( Seitaaan) anakutikirinya ( he's tickling your funny bone and u like that dont you ? YOU idiot !!! RUN NIKKA ... RuN like the way Shia Labeouf RUNS in all those transformer flicks and save yourself from that DECEPTICON ... coz you know thats what she is and trust me , you don't wanna see her when she transforms :-)) )
Anyhu ... Just call your lawyer NOW !!! GAME OVER .
Ladies ... KLAT KING loves you :-) just dont be
CRAZY-STARK- RAVING-MENTAL aaight ? Peace!
CRAZY-STARK- RAVING-MENTAL aaight ? Peace!
And fellaz the writing is on the WALL !
KLAT OUT !!!! * hi 5 * SMACK !!
CHOKA SssssssANA ! BRAP !
Friday, 2 September 2011
LOOK AT ME ... I'M A SIZE TWO !! Wait ... Isn't that a KID'S Shoe SIZE ??? :-)
Ahaaa, hahahaha, so how many of you have a story of the 1st day u checked into Nairobi, was chatting to a workmate and he's story just floored me, total winehouse situation :-)
Was reading this the other day, apparently in the States there is a Skinny Fat Strip Club :-) The joint is called Oasis.
N then anaa thing, kila wakati amechoka. Lack of @#&$* nutrition. That dendei sleeps more than the family cat. Na she bebaz a ka pillow wit her every where, now u imagine in the car unafkiria anaingia na ka pillow for comfort right ?? WRONG !!!!! She sets that pillow infront of her because the seat belt won't adjust that small. SHTOOOOPID ! feed this mamiz am tellin you ! :-)
Worse if you driving with the windows down, she just twirls around huko ndani ni kaa ka nguo ndani ya washing machine.
So you fika the restaurant and u ask her , leo baby unakula nini, order zamzzzin, itisha kitu, wallet iko sambamba, n then you hear ...... "No thanks, I already ate this week".
My guy, ebu dial a BURGER n slap her silly with it then stuff it down her throat, watu wanakufa na njaa n this size 2 is feeling ako salama. N wat is size 2 if not a F****N kiddoz SHOE SIZE !!!! Choka Sssssana.
you take her home , DSTV umelipa premium package, :-) .... you weka History channel and its a feature on the Third Reich ( German - Nazi times ) and it is shows the starving Jews in the death camps. If she goes like "They don't looked starved to me", am thinkn, throw her out through the key hole :-) ...SWISH , mara zat zat !!! hehe.
So time ya lungula imefika ( msee kulimana SHTIAKS ). Honestly you can't get on top of her , ukimpandilia, ribs zake zote GONE ! :-)
NiGHT OVER !!!
Anorexia is a serious problem and we have to address it. Size 2 is a shoe size ! Hope we have that down :-). Help a friend to move from a kids shoe size to a a lucious sexy figure, aaight, patia yeye tu nini ? ... Patia yeye, tu nduma
Now i was picturing him being sent to NRB with back pack ) i mean a black paper bag / karatasi ) and a chicken / live cockerel ( engoho ), wrapped up in a separate paper bag / karatasi :-), by this point we all get to understand he's from Western ( not coz of the chicken but because of the paper bags, lol ! ) ... no pun intended to guys who walk around wit paper bags, trust me , i too walk wit paper bags :-)
Anyhu, looking at the man now, you cant believe that vibe .... enyewe we all start from somewhere.
Anyhu, looking at the man now, you cant believe that vibe .... enyewe we all start from somewhere.
Was at some shin dig in Runda some 2 weeks ago n yessssss, the clear line of some are rich and some are broke , was clearly defined to me :-) for those who read Asterix, u kumbuka the way they would have a feast and each person had a huge ass, roasted pig on there plate , well me n my mate, we kinda felt like Asterix n Obelix , that day :-) and lets not even get into the rocco ( booze ) .... those babies were lined up on that bar counter like pin balls n boy did we KNOCK EM OUT :-) ..." BURP "
Had a blast though, shout out to Gakii B ( mad connect ) :-)
Had a blast though, shout out to Gakii B ( mad connect ) :-)
Different story, not related ... the other day, twaz a random evening, me and a mate of mine were on the veranda having a DOOBEE/ happy moment /sigara nono :-). I tossed the roach ( kapyenga ) into the grass without looking. A few minutes later I noticed it landed near a small ant hill. Mzeeiya within kedo 15 minutes they had removed all of the herbs from inside of the paper n had it packed away inside their ka ant hill. Am betting they were in their little dirt mound high 5'n their little asses off.
I firmly believe now that South C has "stoner ants", i hope my nikka will concur this story and that it was not a vision i had while i lit up that Mary Jay :-)
Was reading this the other day, apparently in the States there is a Skinny Fat Strip Club :-) The joint is called Oasis.
Unlike your ordinary strip club, fat obese women come out naked and put their clothes back on.
Haha, wait .... !! They put there clothes back on ?? hehe, okaaaaay !!!
It was the brilliant idea of the owner Richard Handler. As a skinny old fart he felt a place like this would be appreciated by other old timers also married to big women. So mates, you can go and see the fattest women on the planet next time you are in Nowhere USA. :-)
Dick also says he is proud of how well the business is doing. "Every time I hear the crowd cheer when those big gals are up on stage putting their clothes back on, I know I made the right decision."
Dick says the brainstorm came to him one night when his 320 pound wife Olga walked past him naked. LMAO !!!
So am not even gonna rip on the PHAT chics , No ! No ! No ... thats wrong , today the PHAT women can sit back and watch me let loose on em skinny toothpick chiquittas :-)
Now am not saying being skinny is bad, but being anorexic and loving it, ain't just correct, politically or otherwise ( smart joke right there ) :-)
So how on earth do you like tell the difference, like between a skinny dendei and an anorexic, la-lace ( chic ) ??? this is how i look at it.....
When you fika digz and she over there taking a bubble bath and her ass is floating in that bath water, dude ..... APANA !! Lisha yeye tu nduma !!!
Kama akimada kuoga and she tells you, " Denno, Ebu hand me that ka serviette hapo juu kwa meza ! " ati to dry her ass off ..... Mater Hospital haiko mbali, drip mara zat zat na itakuwa a lipid ( mafutha ) drip :-)
Randomly got this one from the net, ati if she uses a cat collar for a belt , that b**** be anorexic, hehehe !
When you fika digz and she over there taking a bubble bath and her ass is floating in that bath water, dude ..... APANA !! Lisha yeye tu nduma !!!
Kama akimada kuoga and she tells you, " Denno, Ebu hand me that ka serviette hapo juu kwa meza ! " ati to dry her ass off ..... Mater Hospital haiko mbali, drip mara zat zat na itakuwa a lipid ( mafutha ) drip :-)
Randomly got this one from the net, ati if she uses a cat collar for a belt , that b**** be anorexic, hehehe !
Honestly tell that mami to eat something, its a disease that can be cured na tu nduma kidogo. yah, tu nduma !!! Am serious :-). Wee imagine ur outside on a breezy day, you here the wind whistling .... around her.
Mnaanua manguo alafu instead of kuziweka kwa clothes hamper, anarusha nguo ndani ya tin ya nescafe . :-)
Mnaanua manguo alafu instead of kuziweka kwa clothes hamper, anarusha nguo ndani ya tin ya nescafe . :-)
And is that a bra she puts on ama its a band aid ??? Dude !! like WTF !!! Kimbiza yeye red cross wit that band aid :-) I mean.... lisha mtu tu nduma bana !!! Yaani ka manzi kamekata, akidunga ngepa her whole mwili is in the shade , hehe.
Ka mutu kamethela ( kamekonda excess ).Ebu tell her to kanyaga a cockroach, we see whether she can kill that thing, mende itahepa ikicheka mzeeiya :-)
Ka mutu kamethela ( kamekonda excess ).Ebu tell her to kanyaga a cockroach, we see whether she can kill that thing, mende itahepa ikicheka mzeeiya :-)
N then anaa thing, kila wakati amechoka. Lack of @#&$* nutrition. That dendei sleeps more than the family cat. Na she bebaz a ka pillow wit her every where, now u imagine in the car unafkiria anaingia na ka pillow for comfort right ?? WRONG !!!!! She sets that pillow infront of her because the seat belt won't adjust that small. SHTOOOOPID ! feed this mamiz am tellin you ! :-)
Worse if you driving with the windows down, she just twirls around huko ndani ni kaa ka nguo ndani ya washing machine.
So you fika the restaurant and u ask her , leo baby unakula nini, order zamzzzin, itisha kitu, wallet iko sambamba, n then you hear ...... "No thanks, I already ate this week".
My guy, ebu dial a BURGER n slap her silly with it then stuff it down her throat, watu wanakufa na njaa n this size 2 is feeling ako salama. N wat is size 2 if not a F****N kiddoz SHOE SIZE !!!! Choka Sssssana.
you take her home , DSTV umelipa premium package, :-) .... you weka History channel and its a feature on the Third Reich ( German - Nazi times ) and it is shows the starving Jews in the death camps. If she goes like "They don't looked starved to me", am thinkn, throw her out through the key hole :-) ...SWISH , mara zat zat !!! hehe.
So time ya lungula imefika ( msee kulimana SHTIAKS ). Honestly you can't get on top of her , ukimpandilia, ribs zake zote GONE ! :-)
NiGHT OVER !!!
Anorexia is a serious problem and we have to address it. Size 2 is a shoe size ! Hope we have that down :-). Help a friend to move from a kids shoe size to a a lucious sexy figure, aaight, patia yeye tu nini ? ... Patia yeye, tu nduma
:-)
Shout to my bbie and all the sexy women out there who can eat a meal and still look good, bodies be hotter than mexican jalapen'o. Mnatumaliza :-)
Am not even gonna hit u wit the Joke of the DAY till next time !! SMACK !
KLAT KING is BACK ! BRAP !!!
Watch out, i might be rippn on you next :-)
KLAT OUT !!!!! Choka SSSSSSSSSSsssssanA !!!
Thursday, 11 August 2011
UKI ORDER DRINK .... GUESS WHAT THEY ARE SAYING :-)
SMACK !!!!! Wat it does, wat it do, wat sslanging?? NOPE !!! okay, habari yenu ? NOPE ! wat does some1 have to do to get guys going on this blog ! CHOKA SSSsssana ! Manze av just sipped some " JET Fuel" ( to some you call it coffee) in the office and am all engines runnin, just wish i could make it Irish coz considering this ICE COLD weather and the noise coming from my knees is very unusual, hehe, because someone just asked " kwani hiyo cricket kwa hii ofisi iko wapi ? Ama ni mtu alikuja na kayamba ( a shaker ) kwa ofisi ? "
So the official 1814 t-shirt is out, for a cool ksh. 2400/= i.e. kwa bei rahisi :-) u can be the proud owner of an 1814 T-sho, full printed with the "1814 beer laws" at the back and "CheGriffin" print at the front. photos of the same will be uploaded in a while and u can order online, and if u asking in wat size ? Kama ManyaKEEEEH ........ ALL sizes ! SMACk !!! :-)
Oh and for every 10 t-shoz bought, yaani ukinunua kumi, u get original Beats by DRE monster earphones ! Proceeds go to the less fortunate wallet at the back of my pocket :-)
Now, as the El Presidente of 1814, this week i have hand picked the very best of what beer has to offer. U know like when u wake up in the morning and u feel like as if ur head is the same size as your pillow, well here are a couple of symptoms u should look out 4 when drinking beer and what action u should take to avoid having a mellon head in the morning.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer. Just look for that friend of urz mwenye hanyamazangi , ati he can buy beer for days on end.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation. :-)
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. :-)
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out. my friend, wanakutupa nje.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward. hehe, umeanguka mzeeiya.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward. face first ! hehe.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing. Masaa ya Mututho imefika ama u just drank some F***d up chang'aa.
ACTION: Panic. :-)
SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see anything in your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter. Wasee wa mtaro mnajijua.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. uko karibu kumwaura ( vomit )!!!
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up at you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. Hehe.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. Hii hatutaki !!!
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered in to the wrong party. Usiogope.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak. Most likely walikupatia pilsner , hehe !
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. Preferably TUSKER !!!
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
Now i am assuming by now kama ulikuwa umekaza sura , ur smiling atleast :-) My job 4 the day is done . Nw buy the t-shirt and let a bratha get paid :-) Anyhu, 4rm that t-sho no profit is being made but from next month, they going for 3000 bob :-) so am thnkn getn them nw would be better 4 u, bt if u have ur own plain t-shirt of cos the price will go down. Nw i dont wanna water the blog and sound like a %@$#%#^ salesman so al go right ahead and deliver the joke of the day.
Now, am sure we have all had the constant argument that " HUYO MSICHANA ANAKUNYWA NINI ?" ama , " HUYO CHALI ANAKUNYWA NINI? " and what you drink and what its supposedly says about you , right ? So, here below is how it has been interpreted and i took the courtesy of tweeking it abit :-)
No PUN INTENDED :-))
So ama start off with the ladies ( Ladies ..... am such a Gentleman :-) )
IF A WOMAN DRINKS:
Drink : Beer.
Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool, (hahaha ! I like )
Drink : Blender drinks with umbrella.
Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the bum.
Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy. ( Hehe, okay I know i dont want )
Drink : Mixed drinks - no umbrellas
Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Approach : If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink. ( Okay, where is she am so ready ? :-) )
Drink : Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask)
Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation. ( hehe, msee ni kufyam )
Drink : Bacardi Breezer ( I think Smirnoff Ice falls here )
Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has absolutely no clue.
Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in. ( Hehe, SMACK !!! )
Drink : Baileys
Personality : Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach : Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub. ( hehe, mara hiyo hiyo )
Drink : Shots (Vodka, Aftershock etc.).
Personality : Hanging with male pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.( hahaha ...)
Approach : Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait. ( hehe, i dont really know, but lets wait see ? :-) )
And now to the boyz.
IF A MAN DRINKS: ( As always, very simple and clear cut.)
Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid. ( haha )
Cheap Domestic Beer ( Senator/ Obama/ Keg ) : He's poor / student and wants to get laid. ( hehe)
Premium Local Beer ( Tusker ) : He likes good beer and wants to get laid. ( hehe, i think i fall here )
Bitter : He's old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid ( hehe, ka budaa )
Imported Beer ( Heineken ) : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid ( very true, hahaha )
Wine : He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid. (Ume-pAtikAnaaaa !! But there must some gayness to this :-) am just saying )
Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would have sex with a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
(hahahaha, pole mzeeiya ! Wasee wangu wa ka naps, ka viceroy, ka smirnoff vodka, mko wapi ??? hehehe )
Port : Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
Whisky : He doesn't give two brass farthings about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid. ( haha, that's why we drink Chivas Regal nikka !!! )
Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
( hehe, i have NEVER tasted Jack Daniels, but i think this one wamedanganya )
Tequila : " Piss off you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something with a pulse ".
(N thats why i say NO !!! NOOOOO, NO, NO, NO NO, NOOOO !!! to tequila :-))
Bacardi Breezer ( Smirnoff Ice ) : He's GAYYYYYYYYYYY !!!! (Blatantly, PUN INTENDED, hapa hakuna cha story mingi )
So ladies and gentlemen, which are YOU ????
Till the next episode ( N yessss, i know..... it is not a series ..... so F*** off !! N i say it in the most polite way possible )
KLAT OUT ! BRAP !!
CHOKA SsssssssaNAAAA ! SsssssssMACK !
So the official 1814 t-shirt is out, for a cool ksh. 2400/= i.e. kwa bei rahisi :-) u can be the proud owner of an 1814 T-sho, full printed with the "1814 beer laws" at the back and "CheGriffin" print at the front. photos of the same will be uploaded in a while and u can order online, and if u asking in wat size ? Kama ManyaKEEEEH ........ ALL sizes ! SMACk !!! :-)
Oh and for every 10 t-shoz bought, yaani ukinunua kumi, u get original Beats by DRE monster earphones ! Proceeds go to the less fortunate wallet at the back of my pocket :-)
Now, as the El Presidente of 1814, this week i have hand picked the very best of what beer has to offer. U know like when u wake up in the morning and u feel like as if ur head is the same size as your pillow, well here are a couple of symptoms u should look out 4 when drinking beer and what action u should take to avoid having a mellon head in the morning.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer. Just look for that friend of urz mwenye hanyamazangi , ati he can buy beer for days on end.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation. :-)
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. :-)
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out. my friend, wanakutupa nje.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward. hehe, umeanguka mzeeiya.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward. face first ! hehe.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing. Masaa ya Mututho imefika ama u just drank some F***d up chang'aa.
ACTION: Panic. :-)
SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see anything in your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter. Wasee wa mtaro mnajijua.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. uko karibu kumwaura ( vomit )!!!
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up at you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. Hehe.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. Hii hatutaki !!!
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered in to the wrong party. Usiogope.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak. Most likely walikupatia pilsner , hehe !
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. Preferably TUSKER !!!
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
Now i am assuming by now kama ulikuwa umekaza sura , ur smiling atleast :-) My job 4 the day is done . Nw buy the t-shirt and let a bratha get paid :-) Anyhu, 4rm that t-sho no profit is being made but from next month, they going for 3000 bob :-) so am thnkn getn them nw would be better 4 u, bt if u have ur own plain t-shirt of cos the price will go down. Nw i dont wanna water the blog and sound like a %@$#%#^ salesman so al go right ahead and deliver the joke of the day.
Now, am sure we have all had the constant argument that " HUYO MSICHANA ANAKUNYWA NINI ?" ama , " HUYO CHALI ANAKUNYWA NINI? " and what you drink and what its supposedly says about you , right ? So, here below is how it has been interpreted and i took the courtesy of tweeking it abit :-)
No PUN INTENDED :-))
So ama start off with the ladies ( Ladies ..... am such a Gentleman :-) )
IF A WOMAN DRINKS:
Drink : Beer.
Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool, (hahaha ! I like )
Drink : Blender drinks with umbrella.
Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the bum.
Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy. ( Hehe, okay I know i dont want )
Drink : Mixed drinks - no umbrellas
Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Approach : If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink. ( Okay, where is she am so ready ? :-) )
Drink : Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask)
Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation. ( hehe, msee ni kufyam )
Drink : Bacardi Breezer ( I think Smirnoff Ice falls here )
Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has absolutely no clue.
Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in. ( Hehe, SMACK !!! )
Drink : Baileys
Personality : Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach : Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub. ( hehe, mara hiyo hiyo )
Drink : Shots (Vodka, Aftershock etc.).
Personality : Hanging with male pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.( hahaha ...)
Approach : Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait. ( hehe, i dont really know, but lets wait see ? :-) )
And now to the boyz.
IF A MAN DRINKS: ( As always, very simple and clear cut.)
Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid. ( haha )
Cheap Domestic Beer ( Senator/ Obama/ Keg ) : He's poor / student and wants to get laid. ( hehe)
Premium Local Beer ( Tusker ) : He likes good beer and wants to get laid. ( hehe, i think i fall here )
Bitter : He's old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid ( hehe, ka budaa )
Imported Beer ( Heineken ) : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid ( very true, hahaha )
Wine : He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid. (Ume-pAtikAnaaaa !! But there must some gayness to this :-) am just saying )
Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would have sex with a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
(hahahaha, pole mzeeiya ! Wasee wangu wa ka naps, ka viceroy, ka smirnoff vodka, mko wapi ??? hehehe )
Port : Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
Whisky : He doesn't give two brass farthings about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid. ( haha, that's why we drink Chivas Regal nikka !!! )
Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
( hehe, i have NEVER tasted Jack Daniels, but i think this one wamedanganya )
Tequila : " Piss off you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something with a pulse ".
(N thats why i say NO !!! NOOOOO, NO, NO, NO NO, NOOOO !!! to tequila :-))
Bacardi Breezer ( Smirnoff Ice ) : He's GAYYYYYYYYYYY !!!! (Blatantly, PUN INTENDED, hapa hakuna cha story mingi )
So ladies and gentlemen, which are YOU ????
Till the next episode ( N yessss, i know..... it is not a series ..... so F*** off !! N i say it in the most polite way possible )
KLAT OUT ! BRAP !!
CHOKA SsssssssaNAAAA ! SsssssssMACK !
Tuesday, 2 August 2011
GUESS WHAT GAME MY NEW NOKIA PHONE HAS ?
MONDAY blues !!! MONDAY flu !!! Monday ??? Monday ... that was yesterday !
Tuesday ?? the cold ? SHIDWO !!! %#$#^* unbearable !
A pal of mine told me that women in Nairobi really don't like the cold weather. Out of curiosity i begged to know why and yessssss ... the response ALARMING :-)
Ati the cold weather ...... makes them dress decently :-)
Honestly, is it really such a bad thing to dress decently, or the raunchy lady gaga style makeup and dress code is the in thing ? The logic defeats me !
But some have lost their minds, even in this monsoon winds and ice cold weather, it still does not seem to deter them from the obvious :-)
If i may .... Its cold swiri and the fish net lake victoria stockings ain't helping fight the cold.
And last i checked .... u wasn't a polar bear and Walrus was not a name in your family lineage .
Unless "freeze and shine" means a sahani full of chocolate chip cookies topped up wit pneumonia raisins , then we are all game ! Anyhu, kila mtu na styRoh ya.... ? ya...ke ! Choka SsssssaNA !!!
Talk about the weekend, now that my mates ... was what i call a dope weekend !!! Twaz my nikkas' Bett's graduation party and it had all the intrigue and disillusion that a mexican soap has :-)
Have u ever had a Kaleo ule wa interior, ule wa huko mashinani, giving a speech ? hehe, trust me , all i heard to hear was,
" I am a tokTa ..... in the fielt ov .... Enthomolochi " . hehehe !
Translated < I am a doctor in the field of Entomology > Speech over !!!! Winehoused :-)
So wen the drinking spree began ( i call it a spree, coz i didn't know that Kaleos also do a marathon when it comes to booze), we started off wit shotoz of Chivas Regal !!! N that my friend is some excellent whiskey.
WARNING : Never EVER do shots of whiskey !!!
Toasted to that and then proceeded to mix all the liquor ( Famous Grouse, Viceroy, Tusker, more Chivas, Grants, Napoleon ( who came wit that boti by the way .... ) in our bellies, like a ka-bowl of muthukui !
With that much highness, party rockn n all, kuna ka mtu akoengea Choo .....the shin dig escalated to the Klat-King wanting to rearrange someone's face into a pile of WOOPASS !!! lol !
Anyhu, calm heads prevailed and the Sparta in me was not unleashed :-) .... then Psys Langata happened. N its from there that i seem not to remember how i left the club and reached home.
Well i do remember climbing the stairs to enter the digz, :-) but not much really as to how i arrived at those stairs ..... :-)
N such a scene will not happen 4 a long time to come .... i beg 2 believe so.
Have you heard, Nokia ...... launched the 1st ever twin SIM phone, specifically for Africa !!! :-)
Now i might be off the hinges here, but please allow me to think that the PHONE is nothing more, than a Chinaware product.
Rumor has it, that among the cool features the phone comes with, are the games loaded on that bad boy.
Believe it or not , one of the games featuring on the phone is called
" THIKA ROAD " ....... :-))
Nw how u play Thika Road, just leaves alot to the imagination coz me naona , in the morning uko level 1, where ulifika pale Roysambu uka save game, then uka exit.
In the evening , u load up the game and press Continue and shock on you ! Diversion, road closed , my friend ... barabara imeBADILIKA ! hehe. That's wen u get to realize just how intelligent that game is. :-)
And for difficulty levels in the game , there is a) drive sober, b) drive tipsy and c) drive drunk with no head lights on :-)
And for bonus points u get to choose ur driver to be a dendei (a chic) and play, " Remember the route " lmao !!! No pun intended :-)
And if u don't feel like playing driver, then u can choose MANAGER mode, where you try and FINISH building the road ... all the best with that, considering ........ your manager role badge reads, and i quote ,
" Road Engineer - City council of THIKA " hehe.
Okay, enough with the lame phone jokes :-) .... I recently discovered that if you want to define an idiot, just look up the word ALFRED MUTUA in a dictionary and under definition u will read, and i quote ...
" AN IDIOT SAID THIS > NO KENYAN HAS DIED FROM HUNGER ".
Am sure after reading that, those whom society labels as fools, slept well at night coz atleast they are not idiots !
Kenyans are really suffering and we have 2 come together to save them from hunger, so please send out whatever little that you can and not just once send over and over and over again, vile tu unafeel, the no. is 111111 via MPESA. Feed a fellow hungry Kenyan, and thank the Lord for your situation kama uko na uhai na hauna njaa ! Help where you can and the returns from the Lord above will be in abundant.
AND now the joke of the day ..... :-)
FOUR CATHOLIC LADIES
So .... some 4 Catholic mamsilaz ( ladies ) are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends,
"My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly,
"My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say,
'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"
She replies,
"My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say,
'Oh my God...'."
HAHAHAHAHA ! Winehoused :-)
Na si ile "O my Ngod, O my Ngod, O my Ngod " for the chic who got busted on radio. Remember that one ?? lol !
Kenyans ...... u gotta love us !!!
N with that , am OUT !
KLAT OUT !!!!! BRAP !! ....... CHOKA SsssssanA !
Tuesday ?? the cold ? SHIDWO !!! %#$#^* unbearable !
A pal of mine told me that women in Nairobi really don't like the cold weather. Out of curiosity i begged to know why and yessssss ... the response ALARMING :-)
Ati the cold weather ...... makes them dress decently :-)
Honestly, is it really such a bad thing to dress decently, or the raunchy lady gaga style makeup and dress code is the in thing ? The logic defeats me !
But some have lost their minds, even in this monsoon winds and ice cold weather, it still does not seem to deter them from the obvious :-)
If i may .... Its cold swiri and the fish net lake victoria stockings ain't helping fight the cold.
And last i checked .... u wasn't a polar bear and Walrus was not a name in your family lineage .
Unless "freeze and shine" means a sahani full of chocolate chip cookies topped up wit pneumonia raisins , then we are all game ! Anyhu, kila mtu na styRoh ya.... ? ya...ke ! Choka SsssssaNA !!!
Talk about the weekend, now that my mates ... was what i call a dope weekend !!! Twaz my nikkas' Bett's graduation party and it had all the intrigue and disillusion that a mexican soap has :-)
Have u ever had a Kaleo ule wa interior, ule wa huko mashinani, giving a speech ? hehe, trust me , all i heard to hear was,
" I am a tokTa ..... in the fielt ov .... Enthomolochi " . hehehe !
Translated < I am a doctor in the field of Entomology > Speech over !!!! Winehoused :-)
So wen the drinking spree began ( i call it a spree, coz i didn't know that Kaleos also do a marathon when it comes to booze), we started off wit shotoz of Chivas Regal !!! N that my friend is some excellent whiskey.
WARNING : Never EVER do shots of whiskey !!!
Toasted to that and then proceeded to mix all the liquor ( Famous Grouse, Viceroy, Tusker, more Chivas, Grants, Napoleon ( who came wit that boti by the way .... ) in our bellies, like a ka-bowl of muthukui !
With that much highness, party rockn n all, kuna ka mtu akoengea Choo .....the shin dig escalated to the Klat-King wanting to rearrange someone's face into a pile of WOOPASS !!! lol !
Anyhu, calm heads prevailed and the Sparta in me was not unleashed :-) .... then Psys Langata happened. N its from there that i seem not to remember how i left the club and reached home.
Well i do remember climbing the stairs to enter the digz, :-) but not much really as to how i arrived at those stairs ..... :-)
N such a scene will not happen 4 a long time to come .... i beg 2 believe so.
Have you heard, Nokia ...... launched the 1st ever twin SIM phone, specifically for Africa !!! :-)
Now i might be off the hinges here, but please allow me to think that the PHONE is nothing more, than a Chinaware product.
Rumor has it, that among the cool features the phone comes with, are the games loaded on that bad boy.
Believe it or not , one of the games featuring on the phone is called
" THIKA ROAD " ....... :-))
Nw how u play Thika Road, just leaves alot to the imagination coz me naona , in the morning uko level 1, where ulifika pale Roysambu uka save game, then uka exit.
In the evening , u load up the game and press Continue and shock on you ! Diversion, road closed , my friend ... barabara imeBADILIKA ! hehe. That's wen u get to realize just how intelligent that game is. :-)
And for difficulty levels in the game , there is a) drive sober, b) drive tipsy and c) drive drunk with no head lights on :-)
And for bonus points u get to choose ur driver to be a dendei (a chic) and play, " Remember the route " lmao !!! No pun intended :-)
And if u don't feel like playing driver, then u can choose MANAGER mode, where you try and FINISH building the road ... all the best with that, considering ........ your manager role badge reads, and i quote ,
" Road Engineer - City council of THIKA " hehe.
Okay, enough with the lame phone jokes :-) .... I recently discovered that if you want to define an idiot, just look up the word ALFRED MUTUA in a dictionary and under definition u will read, and i quote ...
" AN IDIOT SAID THIS > NO KENYAN HAS DIED FROM HUNGER ".
Am sure after reading that, those whom society labels as fools, slept well at night coz atleast they are not idiots !
Kenyans are really suffering and we have 2 come together to save them from hunger, so please send out whatever little that you can and not just once send over and over and over again, vile tu unafeel, the no. is 111111 via MPESA. Feed a fellow hungry Kenyan, and thank the Lord for your situation kama uko na uhai na hauna njaa ! Help where you can and the returns from the Lord above will be in abundant.
AND now the joke of the day ..... :-)
FOUR CATHOLIC LADIES
So .... some 4 Catholic mamsilaz ( ladies ) are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends,
"My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly,
"My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say,
'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"
She replies,
"My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say,
'Oh my God...'."
HAHAHAHAHA ! Winehoused :-)
Na si ile "O my Ngod, O my Ngod, O my Ngod " for the chic who got busted on radio. Remember that one ?? lol !
Kenyans ...... u gotta love us !!!
N with that , am OUT !
KLAT OUT !!!!! BRAP !! ....... CHOKA SsssssanA !
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