THAT THONG, GAY PANTS AND SINDIRIAZ (a.k.a KAMISI )

Man, you people are demanding, Klat king i want this story, klat king i want that story, eeh, sawa ,ama write more often, and for the ladies sending me pics of you n me in precarious poses , i dont even know where to start , coz when we took them together ?? ..... i have no idea. :-) Anyhu, that hasn't happened but .... SIESmind.

Okay, so I was sitting in the jav the other day when i noticed something that just didn't seem right, there was a flash of RED blinding my eyes in the seat right infront of me.

And the red flash was not those tu-krismas lights they put in the javs for  Eastleigh ( a.k.a Isich ama Somali ndogo ..... no pun intended ), 
my guy you guy, I couldn't believe it, there it was ..... in plain sight ... and  i pause .........

as Jeff Koinange would put it ..." Whaaat a show, Whaaat a sight, Whaaat a colour, just sitted there .... blinding us ..."

(back to the story)

.... like that sayn, as clear as night and day, ama ilikuwa nini ? but you get the vivid description, it was just peeking and taunting my imagination, yaani naulizaa ? 
Even with free education, serikali inalipa, some people haven't yet gotten the drift, or the jist , or the hang of things, that a T-BAR (a.k.a THONG ) > and yes a T-Bar in this context is not a tool like some of you thought :-) ...... , is NOT supposed to be at a level higher than your belt ???  

So to all the beautiful kenyan women out there ama ask you 2 tell me  .... which takes precedence when you where your jeans, the pants or the pantY ?? :-)

Now as much as i know am not in the same line as the fashion critics for Gucci, Prada, and the other fashion power houses, i will not however tolerate nini ? ....USHAMBAAA !!  

Etiquette says that an open fly should be closed by whatever means necessary. Right ? Fine. But I have always wondered if an open fly is even a big deal anymore, coz by looking at the current trends of wearing your pants sagging down to your crotch and flashing the world your unmentionables, or as the rock, boy band, wannabe's of today prefer putting on gay-pants and giving their nuts a lesson in a wrestling choke hold, why should the fact that my zipper is open, make your jaw drop ? Ama umecheki ZAMZING..... ? :-)

So at some point in time or still for some, the T-bar sticking out of the top of your pants had become a sex symbol throughout the world for any given female. 

Now, if you wore your underwear like a badge, it was a good thing. 2 handclaps for you. And for those that are particularly COOL, they simply wear none at all ( a.k.a commando ). 

Don't mind me asking, but that what the heck does that "commando" phrase mean?

Was there a flick where Schwarzenegger hakuvaa ka ngotha before an epic battle ama kuliendaje? And you know saa ile akipepeta wasee vile hiyo machine gun yuTETEMEKA, asiiii !!! ( N i know what picture came in your head, and that is just wrong :-) )

Anyhu, you can hardly call that a style bt kila mtu na njaro yake.

And kwani what happened to the the days when the only thing that played peek-a-boo, was the occasional repairman's belly. Mzeeiya ana tumbo bigi pulling his pants all the way was the repair job in itself :-)

(but siku hizi our traffic cops have joined that category) 

Those poor souls only flash their butt crack out of physical necessity, as opposed to a fashion statement. Atleast they have  an excuse, however distasteful the "Crack ATTACK" might be.

Haha, the crack attack  :-) was and is a physical disability, and 2 that effect ... rare. 

But with the crack attack, you can always look away. How that changed to "utaangalia hii ngotha ata kama hujiskii " , hehe, i just dont know .

Ummm....Parents are complaining, they're buying saggy, baggy, jeans or tight ass, baby gap jeans and they don't know what they dealing with , coz fitting jeans to a 13 year old is the equivalent of Nightmare on Elm Street in 3D :-).

And have you actually seen how much material these things have? If  your kiddo or small bro has baggy jeans hakuna haja ya duster mtaani. And they only allow the wearer to waddle across the floor rather than walk upright like a man. 

You could take the material made to make one pair of these silly pants and make 3 pairs of regular pants with a decent fit. So, waddle boy walks around as though he looks like the coolest kid on earth, all the while showing us all, the fact, that he likes to wear HUGO BOSS , but sadly for others it HUGO MBOYZ ama NJORO AMANI  ( a.k.a Georgio Armani ) > And seriously nani hushona hizi boxer ? On the nut chokers am not even going to fafanua, i did a whole piece on it so kindly dear blogger please feel free to refer to that article. Am sure for some of you it will be like reading a Ben Carson > Gifted Hands. ( Pretty good book by the way ).

              

I have a feeling that one good Atomic Wedgie would certainly change the outlook of these misguided kiddoz.

As far as the T-bar is concerned, this is all about sex. In a time where baring your breasts to any party crowd or seriously being humped at a bend over concert on stage is alright, how wrong can showing your dental floss be? 

There is such an objectification of women going on these days it is unreal, and many women are joining in full force. Its like a sect of "fashionistas" and Lady Gaga is their head honcho ! Have you seen the pic where she went for some awards and she was wearing meat ? yaani nyake, sio manyake, juu amekata excess ... the real deal, NYAMA ya NG'oMBE as an oufit ! And she's there head all bobbly to the side ( she should have just sang RETARDO and not ALEJANDRO) , trying to describe who designed her outfit and whatt inspired her ..... ummmm.... excuse me miss, i think the outfit was designed by a BUTCHER and the inspiration was the NDEVOOO !!!! Shidwo !! 

So how can any woman feel sexy wearing a T-bar on the outside of her outfit? Am going mental trying to think about that one. Underneath the clothes FINE !!! Its sexy, and it leaves something to the imagination. 

If a woman is purposefully wearing a thong sticking out of her pants, i honestly think its an insult to anyone that is dating her or married to her. I get it that some of you may say " KLATKING YOUR SO SHADY ..... DUH !!! " and that fashion is trendy, and you have to move with the times and society has deemed it so, but please don't be a misguided soul and follow along kama KONDOO ! CHOKA SANAAA ! :-)

I reiterate, T-bars and a lack of underwear does not make a woman sexy. Trust me, confidence and class .... now that is sexy. A great fitting pair of Levis jeans is sexy. Knowing that you are a woman that is strong and more than a girlie slide show is sexy. 

Manze na leo nimeongea sense ...... wacha ufala irudi ! Dont want the post to sound like am a F***** counsellor, if u want that read Aunty " someone" on young nation !

Oh man, Flip !! I almost forgot, yaani bado kuna wasichana who where SINDIRIA a.k.a kamisi a.k.a Kamisoh , hehe, manze even if its your house help in the digz na mlimutoa Kirinyaga, ama Machakos, ama Kisii, which reminds me  i dont know where our mathez get these mboches from, kwani our mathaz don't trust their sons and husbands ?? hehe ! 

Anyhu, the peticott ama sijui kamisoh, CHOKA SANAAA !!!!

And with that, i end my ranting and impeccable moral point of view on things and give you .... the joke of the day! :-)

p.s. 

Don't forget to inbox me on facebook with the pics of you and me ( STRICTLY WOMEN ONLY ) :-)) 

THE TEACHER AND JOHNNY

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" 

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" 

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." 

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. 

There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. 

Which one is married?

"The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" 

To which LittleJohnny replied,

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking." 

KLAT OUT ! BRAP !!!

ATI CHIC FLICK NIGHT ??? NIKKAS .... HERE'S HOW TO SURVIVE IT

So who just felt like not gettting out of bed 2day in the cox ! Hiyo njeve ......... aaaiiii ! N the way i sleep solo, c ati kuna wife hapo kando i can use like an extra duvet ! :-) 


Bt that was a krazzy weekend people ama wat u thnk ? Coz thea was the KCB Rally and Carl Tundo outsmarted the rest of the field ! 
While Carl was maneuvering his Evo 9, I was on the Nakuru-Naivasha Highway maneuvering the borrowed ToyoDa Corolla ( n yes, its a ToyoDa coz it can go from 0-knot in under 25 sec, this is a FACT told in confidence to me by the owner ! ) 


N the sounds on that shinde ( i.e a CAR for some of u ) , MONSTROUS ! 


"Am telln u my guy......... "  ( Oh ! And that's hw av realised men facing a mid life crisis start all thea storoz nwadays , hehe) I blasted my playlists and made that amplifier understand its true worth. 


And this Naivasha camping trips are becoming a ritual which i pretty much like :-) considering the excessive amount of whisky, beer and pretty girls that come as an accompaniment , lol ! And I cannot stress how the ZIMBRI 
( a.k.a NDUKULU ama WADADAA ama KUSH for the slow ones)  just gets better n better :-) 


I digress a bit, but back to the main story, so was hearing that chics are catchn nikkas off guard wit the " you wanna come over 2 my place ? " , followed wit that ka smile , si mnaijua ile smile mpaka ur telln urself kuna ZAMZING going down 2nite, eh ? 
You know it coz you have fallen for that ploy time n time again that is laden wit promise of a night of estacy n awesome sex, but all you get in the end is a marathon of chic flicks and tears ! 
Worse still, if ur married it becomes a weekly ritual ... i hear u bro, u just said "F*** yeah" ! hehe.




Don't worry mates i got a solution ! As ludacris as it may sound, how bout you try the following and you might just beat her at her own game ..... ( If ever ) 
:-)


The dreaded chick flick has been around since T.V. went for the romance nostalgia, and will almost certainly be around long after we are dead and gone.


As men, we have only two real feasible choices. That is if we are married or otherwise attached ( N am so sure tuko wengi wenye hata hatujui where we stand, nimekuuliza attached .... ukaanza kufkiria, to how many !!! hehe ) .The second option is no real option to any man living with a woman, so here is how to optimize the situation.


First, PREPARE you DIMWIT !!!! Say it with me " NTAJIHAMI NA UJANJA !" So you better prepare for the night in question. As soon as aanze kuruka all the MAN-ly channels with the remote control, and begins to linger around NTV  ( no pun intended :-) ) or other assorted female channels, excuse yourself to the bathroom. While in the bathroom calm your breathing, and grab some saline drops. YESSS ..... ma eye drop ! Place it in your right pocket and some tissue in the left. Supplies are important. (Note: If there is any chance the chick flick will include Meg Ryan, bring the whole darn roll of toilet paper.) 
Hehe !


I hope ur still wit me my guy eh ..... so next, u just chill for the ka right opportune moment to whip out the eye drops. Si ati uko na machozi na its only 3 min into the flick ! :-) 
Premature crying will be rather transparent, and that would just ruin the chick flick moment. A good example , u just ngoja mpaka the ka main character dies, or loses their toi, or finds out that her sister is really her mother. Haha !


Then ....... bring the eye drops deftly, yaani na design ingine asishikanishe, 
(like u was Mac Guiver n the situation required such unbelievable success) 
to your eyes as you feign for a moment or two, say these in a hushed tone "AKI I CANT WATCH THIS PART. " Hehe. 


Saa ukishadu hivo, with a ka tear drop dripping down the side of your cheek, keep your eyes on your lady through peripheral vision. Msome ucheki akorada na wewe ama she is oblivious to your sudden tear jerking moment. 
Once you notice that she is looking, turn away with "manly" pride. lol ! 


It is paramount to have some actn skills , ata ka ni kidogo, ka hauna ...... eeish, hesabu yako imekuwa ngumu boSS ! But MOSt IMPORTANT, you make certain that you get the sensitivity points, but keep your manhood intact by "HIDING" the fact that you teared up. 


Another thing is do not whimper, or make noises. That would just be fake and transparent. (sarcasm intended) hehe ! 
But si ati u start wailing like a toi who has been nyimwad kuona cartoon network. There are some things that we men just will not do. Crying loudly over a chick flick is most certainly one of those things. 


Oh yeah, and make certain that you hold your lady throughout this exercise, yaani ukamate ur ngaofwend or wife for that matter. It is what I call "emotional sharing" and she should get the full amount of your attention. :-)

Now that you have made it through the chick flick, and have shown the deep, emotional reservoir of your soul, utilize it for future chick flicks. 

The next time your lady wants to watch one, kindly opt out of it by telling her  "BABY SI UNAJUA MANZE AM AN EMOTIONAL GUY NA SITAKI KULEMEWA SANA"    Haha !

Okay that just sounds like NOT any dude i know ..... it definitely won't work but its worth the outrageous attempt ! :-) 
If it does ...... please tell us all , ASAP ! So that we can rejoice and laugh and buy you a f****n brewski ( a.k.a beer ) bro ! My guy you guy , waaat !!! 
( am jst sayn it as i here them talk, hehe ) you will be a LEGEND for many generations to come ! We wil pass ur story to our chosen sons as they swim in our loins n they will do the same to their sons who swim in their loins !

While these ideas to survive chick flick night are pretty SOLID, dude..... I must WARN you of a couple of things.  Hizi vitu ni muhimu so please stop staring at the hot chic who just walked past your desk ! 

First, if your married and your wife is fairly and I insist, fairly :-) , a sharp cookie, she will probably kick you out of the room at the moment u start "tear jerking." This is due to the fact that she can see right through you, coupled wit the fact that she saw the eye drops in your hand.

And secondly, if you are successful, and the eye drops trick actually works, you may be dragged into a long line of chick flicks that will not stop until you fess up. It takes a special talent to actually pull this off with any kind of success. Na hiyo si mchezo ! Ndo maana am telln you we will call u LEGEND.

Of course, the final idea is to actually sit down and watch the movie. BUT...... that would just be no fun at all now would it? 


So yeah, until i have another explosive moment of creativity/idiocracy in my head n start typing, ama pen off, but we cannot 4get  .............................
the JOKE OF THE DAY ! Enjoy !





A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"


The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."


The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"


The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."


The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"


The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.


The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"


The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."


The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"


The man says, 


"That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy." 



HaHaHaHaHa ! 


KLAT OUT !! BRAP !!!

CARTOONS NA SIASA ZAO MOB

Wsup gud people, been M.I.A  for a week or something of the sort, but simnaelewa hii creativity saa zingine inashika ma glitch kwa system ! :-)

Bt as u know in this life, masomo haiwezi kwisha.

So i was in a class room wit some ugandans, tanzanians, and my nikka 4rm botswana, Mr. Modise a.k.a MD ; and it was imperative I showed them the Kenyan Experience and how krazzy we can party ! Being a Thursday in Nairrobery ...... si unajua mahali this boys had to taken ?? Yesss......... 

U said it !!!! 

Uptown Thursday !!!!  Now if you thought sijui Bowling, maasai market, NKT !!! Choka SANAAAA !!!! 

Mambo ya sijui carnivore, game reserves na sijui walks  around monuments in Town ..... Choka tena SANAAAAAA SANAAAAA  ! Plus they'r black n thats mzungu tabiaz'. 

So Kenyan culture 101 equals to a Masaai in a shawl doing 300 star jumps ? Nkt ! CHOKA SANAAA !!!! Haha !

So al ask again ? Kids ... Is Westalnds the Answer to my question ??? "YESSSSSSS !!!"

Ata Baba Njoro anajua ! lol ! ( 4 those who know who he is, you get the joke )

But on an honest note, jst ask urself, would you rather see a maasai jump up n down or would u rather have a beer, kick up a dust cloud on the dancefloor and definitely watch short skirts and hips jirate all over the place ? 

( This is the part where all men in the audience say a thunderous " I ."

Bt the events 4 that night is a story 4 anaa day ! :-)

Now i dont really know how much people follow cartoons, bt i thnk i kinda stopped following them a while back, but what caught my attention was my pals blog on cartoons. (see link below)

http://cevereneherself.blogspot.com/2011/06/cartoon-cartoons.html

Was laughn away while readn it, when it got me thnkn as to how some laws in our universe do not apply to cartoons and cause of that fact, i wouldn't mind being a cartoon ! So i drafted a couple of laws and i borrowed some from some "looney bin" :-) engineer friend of mine.

Law 1

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. 

Take 4 instance Daffy Duck, he steps off a cliff, expecting further pasture land. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second takes over. Haha ! Shtoopid duck ! 

Law 2

Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly, say for instance UKUTA fulani .

Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. 

Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease. :-)

Law 3

Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. haha ! The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes the impulse of " mikuu unipepe mpaka ntakapo-fika ! Asande Yesu !! (My version of a lunjeh cartoon, lol ! No pun intended )

Law 4

The time required for an object to fall 20 smthn stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge, to spiral down the same 20 freakn flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful. haha ! So why they even bother i have no clue ! :-)

Law 5

All principles of gravity are negated by fear. i.e. if u are scared shit-less then you might as well acquire a pair of wings coz there is no way they getting nabbed by the aggressor.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upwards, :-) usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the top of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Law 6

As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. :-) ! Now this one just amazes me time and time again.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be seen emerging from the cloud ( ...... speaking of which, how come a dust cloud is always formed when they fight ? like they may be fighting on ice, but we still see a ki dust cloud :-) ) at several places simultaneously. This effect is also common among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at krazzy high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Law 7

Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. Aki u have to feel for road runner at times.

This phenomena, has baffled generations, even if i was to ask my pap duks, his pap duks and the one before him ..... NIAAAAAATSN ! But at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. Haha ! Again you have to question Road Runner ! Am thinking that Coyote is a blond by profession. :-) The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. Folks, I think this one is ultimately a problem of art ......................

and clearly not, of science.

Law 8

Any violent rearrangement of feline matter ( yaani paka, ama anaitwagwa ninio ........ kanyoni ) is impermanent.

Take Tom for instance. He possesses even more deaths than the traditional nine lives, might comfortably afford. He can be decimated, spliced, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but he just doesn't understand the meaning of the word "destruction". After a few moments of blinking self pity,

 :-) they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify ... PAP !!! Mara that that !!!

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container. :-)

Law 9

Everything falls faster than an anvil. And this is not a lie, i have seen it happen a million times.

Law 10

For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

This is the one law that also applies in the physical world . And that is why, we humans need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead. Lol ! 

And the feedback i have had from some of you guys is highly appreciated, didn't even think people gave a rat's ass to much of what i write :-) ..... so am saying thank you ! 

So before i pen off, i have to obviously hit you with the joke of the day. And do try to make someone, even if its one person, just have a smile on their face everyday ! Aaight ? SMACK !!!

So there was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy, who were construction workers working on top of a building. It was lunch time and the Irishman opened his lunch pail, finding cabbage and beef.

"If I get one more beef and cabbage for lunch I'm gonna jump off of this building," he says.

Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and finds a burrito. "If I get one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building," he says. 

The blond man opens his lunch pail and finds a bologna sandwich. "If I get one more bologna sandwich I'm gonna jump off of this building." 

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch pail and found cabbage and beef, so he jumped off the building to his death. 

Next, the Mexican opened his lunch pail, and upon finding a burrito he jumped off as well. Finally, the blond guy opened his lunch pail and found a bologna sandwich. He too jumped off the building. 

The next day at their funeral the Irishman's wife said, "If only I knew that he didn't like cabbage and beef, I would surely have packed him something else." 

The Mexican's wife said, "If only I knew he didn't like burritos, I would have packed something else." 

Finally, the blonde man's wife spoke. 

"I don't know what his problem was. He packed his own lunch." 

LMFAO !!!! 

Oh n a special shout out to the Ms. .....  :-)

( Niriabiwa " ikruud this ... ama being sigoh would soon become a raif-styro" )

LMAO !!! 

KLAT OUT !!!! BRAP !

BABA NJORO and THE RULES FOR DATING HIS DAUGHTER !!!

So we all have encoutered that burly figure of a block who makes u wanna run like a girl by the sight of the man. N who is he u might ask, he is what the girl you are dating, calls ..... Daddy or Papa or Sonko wa jakezz, ama fathe, ama mbuyuthez, ama Ol' man, ama Okwonkwo ...... or SIMBA wa YUDAA !!! lol ! 
( kwanza that last one, afadhali nisiwai enda kwao ) 


At times u seat in the digz n remember all those denedeiz ( chics ), whom uv ever gone to thea digoloz 
( nyumbani kwao) n met thea Pad Duks ( i.e. Father for some of u :-) ) and recall how u wea harrased by her ol man, but theas always one Dad who just made u thnk twice about even looking at her daughter with that ka jicho of urs 4 lungula, and 4rm that day henceforth ukaamua .........................
" washa wakae na baba yake !! "


A pal of mine told me aliingia kwa nyumba, akakaribisha na ka Tiabezz ( chai ), tumandazi, na ma smile 4rm the mum n dad. Kwanza the mum was impressed by the way tu soaks tulikuwa tumeng'ara , msee alizi soak kwa jik tha whole night ! U know like those 2white socks u see on telly kwa ma 2advert?
Sasa, ni kama hizo ! So as he sat thea feeln all cozy n ish, then checks in the  ol geezer came 4rm up stairs wit a ka book ( by kitabu i mean some A4 papers glued together na cellotape alafu ka hardcover kamebandikwa, mbele nyuma)
N the title read :






10 simple rules for dating my PRINCESS .... 


Nikka !!!!!


Now most of u would be askn urselves like, " kwani am dating the princess of Abijan and i had no clue ?? "... ama ur thnkn to urself ur on a hidden camera game show, so u have that silly smurk on ur face until ur handed the book, ma-Q, chai imefika na scones zikaongezwa, mpaka zile mandazi ndogo ndogo tuhard, tunaitwagwaaaa ...... aaah, yes........av remebered, TUNGUMU !! lol
Enyewe hii jakezz ( i.e. nyumba ) inajua kulinda raia ! 


So he flipd the bloody damn thing open ( manze kavumbi kaingine kalichomoka pale) n he subdued the coughs by sippn the hot cocoa ! N he read on as the madness began:

Naba MOJA

If you pull into my driveway and honk ( ka honi, sijui tu siren, ka kengele ka bike blaki (which by the way rules u out of datn with my daughter ), turbo za subaru ama ka tuk tuk yako ) ud better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

NaBA BIRI ( lazima huyu akuwe msapere , that numbering system??..... no pun inteded, lol ! )

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. hehe ! (Kajasho kalianza kuchomoka mzeeiya hapa ! )

Naba Thirii

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of ur age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Or as times have changed, those tight things u wear i call nut chokkers ! Please don't take this as an insult, but you n all of your pips ( a.k.a the homiez, ze mboys, comrados) are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. ( this father.... is like a living breathn Dexter >Psycho )

Namba 4

Am sure uv been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. ( ...... hahaha, i believe it CAN Sir !! ) 
Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. 
(this is wea that ka jasho my pal was experiencing changes to a water fall !! Duuuush )

Namba 5

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six

I have no doubt u is a popurah ferrah !!!! (hehe ... meaning, pupular fellow ), with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. Akiria, pia wewe utaria, waigwa ???

Rule Seven

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you wanna be on time for the movie, u should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Ol KAlau Bridge. So young man, instead of just standing there, why dont you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car ? 

Rule Eight

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. (hahaha). 
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. (haha, Kwani she glows in the dark??? ) Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. 
(hahaha, a grave yard perhaps ?)
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts (wat is this ???? , lol ) or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. ( hahaha, ebu ngoja .... hahahahaha ) 
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. ( ROTFLMAO ) 
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
(N the father of the year award goes to ........... this nikka right here 4 sure !!! Yaani, av sared, mad props, 10 nil !! )

Namba 9

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, 
dim- witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.(ummm .... Megamind ?? ) 
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not njoko njoko ( joke joke )
with me u little imp !

Naba Kumi

Be afraid. Be very afraid !!!!!  It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. ( thats a vietnam joke 4 the slow ones :-) ) When my alias, Agent Njoroge, starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Mikono juu juu !!! Eh ?? Usitoke kumarege marege !! Arafu, speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then urudi kwa the thing u call a car - there is no need for you to come inside. Hapa ni kwa Maina wa Kimani wa Joroge ! Hujulikani na hutakikani. 

N yes, the Camoufragd face at the widow is mine. Tosha !!!  Bradi F****n !!!

N that is wea it hit my pal, kama baba yake ako hivi, WASHANA NAYEEEE !!! GOMONGO !!!! Bt truth be told, we'l all be fathers n this rules will come in handy ! :-)