ATI CHIC FLICK NIGHT ??? NIKKAS .... HERE'S HOW TO SURVIVE IT

So who just felt like not gettting out of bed 2day in the cox ! Hiyo njeve ......... aaaiiii ! N the way i sleep solo, c ati kuna wife hapo kando i can use like an extra duvet ! :-) 


Bt that was a krazzy weekend people ama wat u thnk ? Coz thea was the KCB Rally and Carl Tundo outsmarted the rest of the field ! 
While Carl was maneuvering his Evo 9, I was on the Nakuru-Naivasha Highway maneuvering the borrowed ToyoDa Corolla ( n yes, its a ToyoDa coz it can go from 0-knot in under 25 sec, this is a FACT told in confidence to me by the owner ! ) 


N the sounds on that shinde ( i.e a CAR for some of u ) , MONSTROUS ! 


"Am telln u my guy......... "  ( Oh ! And that's hw av realised men facing a mid life crisis start all thea storoz nwadays , hehe) I blasted my playlists and made that amplifier understand its true worth. 


And this Naivasha camping trips are becoming a ritual which i pretty much like :-) considering the excessive amount of whisky, beer and pretty girls that come as an accompaniment , lol ! And I cannot stress how the ZIMBRI 
( a.k.a NDUKULU ama WADADAA ama KUSH for the slow ones)  just gets better n better :-) 


I digress a bit, but back to the main story, so was hearing that chics are catchn nikkas off guard wit the " you wanna come over 2 my place ? " , followed wit that ka smile , si mnaijua ile smile mpaka ur telln urself kuna ZAMZING going down 2nite, eh ? 
You know it coz you have fallen for that ploy time n time again that is laden wit promise of a night of estacy n awesome sex, but all you get in the end is a marathon of chic flicks and tears ! 
Worse still, if ur married it becomes a weekly ritual ... i hear u bro, u just said "F*** yeah" ! hehe.




Don't worry mates i got a solution ! As ludacris as it may sound, how bout you try the following and you might just beat her at her own game ..... ( If ever ) 
:-)


The dreaded chick flick has been around since T.V. went for the romance nostalgia, and will almost certainly be around long after we are dead and gone.


As men, we have only two real feasible choices. That is if we are married or otherwise attached ( N am so sure tuko wengi wenye hata hatujui where we stand, nimekuuliza attached .... ukaanza kufkiria, to how many !!! hehe ) .The second option is no real option to any man living with a woman, so here is how to optimize the situation.


First, PREPARE you DIMWIT !!!! Say it with me " NTAJIHAMI NA UJANJA !" So you better prepare for the night in question. As soon as aanze kuruka all the MAN-ly channels with the remote control, and begins to linger around NTV  ( no pun intended :-) ) or other assorted female channels, excuse yourself to the bathroom. While in the bathroom calm your breathing, and grab some saline drops. YESSS ..... ma eye drop ! Place it in your right pocket and some tissue in the left. Supplies are important. (Note: If there is any chance the chick flick will include Meg Ryan, bring the whole darn roll of toilet paper.) 
Hehe !


I hope ur still wit me my guy eh ..... so next, u just chill for the ka right opportune moment to whip out the eye drops. Si ati uko na machozi na its only 3 min into the flick ! :-) 
Premature crying will be rather transparent, and that would just ruin the chick flick moment. A good example , u just ngoja mpaka the ka main character dies, or loses their toi, or finds out that her sister is really her mother. Haha !


Then ....... bring the eye drops deftly, yaani na design ingine asishikanishe, 
(like u was Mac Guiver n the situation required such unbelievable success) 
to your eyes as you feign for a moment or two, say these in a hushed tone "AKI I CANT WATCH THIS PART. " Hehe. 


Saa ukishadu hivo, with a ka tear drop dripping down the side of your cheek, keep your eyes on your lady through peripheral vision. Msome ucheki akorada na wewe ama she is oblivious to your sudden tear jerking moment. 
Once you notice that she is looking, turn away with "manly" pride. lol ! 


It is paramount to have some actn skills , ata ka ni kidogo, ka hauna ...... eeish, hesabu yako imekuwa ngumu boSS ! But MOSt IMPORTANT, you make certain that you get the sensitivity points, but keep your manhood intact by "HIDING" the fact that you teared up. 


Another thing is do not whimper, or make noises. That would just be fake and transparent. (sarcasm intended) hehe ! 
But si ati u start wailing like a toi who has been nyimwad kuona cartoon network. There are some things that we men just will not do. Crying loudly over a chick flick is most certainly one of those things. 


Oh yeah, and make certain that you hold your lady throughout this exercise, yaani ukamate ur ngaofwend or wife for that matter. It is what I call "emotional sharing" and she should get the full amount of your attention. :-)

Now that you have made it through the chick flick, and have shown the deep, emotional reservoir of your soul, utilize it for future chick flicks. 

The next time your lady wants to watch one, kindly opt out of it by telling her  "BABY SI UNAJUA MANZE AM AN EMOTIONAL GUY NA SITAKI KULEMEWA SANA"    Haha !

Okay that just sounds like NOT any dude i know ..... it definitely won't work but its worth the outrageous attempt ! :-) 
If it does ...... please tell us all , ASAP ! So that we can rejoice and laugh and buy you a f****n brewski ( a.k.a beer ) bro ! My guy you guy , waaat !!! 
( am jst sayn it as i here them talk, hehe ) you will be a LEGEND for many generations to come ! We wil pass ur story to our chosen sons as they swim in our loins n they will do the same to their sons who swim in their loins !

While these ideas to survive chick flick night are pretty SOLID, dude..... I must WARN you of a couple of things.  Hizi vitu ni muhimu so please stop staring at the hot chic who just walked past your desk ! 

First, if your married and your wife is fairly and I insist, fairly :-) , a sharp cookie, she will probably kick you out of the room at the moment u start "tear jerking." This is due to the fact that she can see right through you, coupled wit the fact that she saw the eye drops in your hand.

And secondly, if you are successful, and the eye drops trick actually works, you may be dragged into a long line of chick flicks that will not stop until you fess up. It takes a special talent to actually pull this off with any kind of success. Na hiyo si mchezo ! Ndo maana am telln you we will call u LEGEND.

Of course, the final idea is to actually sit down and watch the movie. BUT...... that would just be no fun at all now would it? 


So yeah, until i have another explosive moment of creativity/idiocracy in my head n start typing, ama pen off, but we cannot 4get  .............................
the JOKE OF THE DAY ! Enjoy !





A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"


The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."


The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"


The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."


The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"


The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.


The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"


The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."


The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"


The man says, 


"That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy." 



HaHaHaHaHa ! 


KLAT OUT !! BRAP !!!