BABA NJORO and THE RULES FOR DATING HIS DAUGHTER !!!

So we all have encoutered that burly figure of a block who makes u wanna run like a girl by the sight of the man. N who is he u might ask, he is what the girl you are dating, calls ..... Daddy or Papa or Sonko wa jakezz, ama fathe, ama mbuyuthez, ama Ol' man, ama Okwonkwo ...... or SIMBA wa YUDAA !!! lol ! 
( kwanza that last one, afadhali nisiwai enda kwao ) 


At times u seat in the digz n remember all those denedeiz ( chics ), whom uv ever gone to thea digoloz 
( nyumbani kwao) n met thea Pad Duks ( i.e. Father for some of u :-) ) and recall how u wea harrased by her ol man, but theas always one Dad who just made u thnk twice about even looking at her daughter with that ka jicho of urs 4 lungula, and 4rm that day henceforth ukaamua .........................
" washa wakae na baba yake !! "


A pal of mine told me aliingia kwa nyumba, akakaribisha na ka Tiabezz ( chai ), tumandazi, na ma smile 4rm the mum n dad. Kwanza the mum was impressed by the way tu soaks tulikuwa tumeng'ara , msee alizi soak kwa jik tha whole night ! U know like those 2white socks u see on telly kwa ma 2advert?
Sasa, ni kama hizo ! So as he sat thea feeln all cozy n ish, then checks in the  ol geezer came 4rm up stairs wit a ka book ( by kitabu i mean some A4 papers glued together na cellotape alafu ka hardcover kamebandikwa, mbele nyuma)
N the title read :






10 simple rules for dating my PRINCESS .... 


Nikka !!!!!


Now most of u would be askn urselves like, " kwani am dating the princess of Abijan and i had no clue ?? "... ama ur thnkn to urself ur on a hidden camera game show, so u have that silly smurk on ur face until ur handed the book, ma-Q, chai imefika na scones zikaongezwa, mpaka zile mandazi ndogo ndogo tuhard, tunaitwagwaaaa ...... aaah, yes........av remebered, TUNGUMU !! lol
Enyewe hii jakezz ( i.e. nyumba ) inajua kulinda raia ! 


So he flipd the bloody damn thing open ( manze kavumbi kaingine kalichomoka pale) n he subdued the coughs by sippn the hot cocoa ! N he read on as the madness began:

Naba MOJA

If you pull into my driveway and honk ( ka honi, sijui tu siren, ka kengele ka bike blaki (which by the way rules u out of datn with my daughter ), turbo za subaru ama ka tuk tuk yako ) ud better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

NaBA BIRI ( lazima huyu akuwe msapere , that numbering system??..... no pun inteded, lol ! )

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. hehe ! (Kajasho kalianza kuchomoka mzeeiya hapa ! )

Naba Thirii

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of ur age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Or as times have changed, those tight things u wear i call nut chokkers ! Please don't take this as an insult, but you n all of your pips ( a.k.a the homiez, ze mboys, comrados) are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. ( this father.... is like a living breathn Dexter >Psycho )

Namba 4

Am sure uv been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. ( ...... hahaha, i believe it CAN Sir !! ) 
Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. 
(this is wea that ka jasho my pal was experiencing changes to a water fall !! Duuuush )

Namba 5

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six

I have no doubt u is a popurah ferrah !!!! (hehe ... meaning, pupular fellow ), with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. Akiria, pia wewe utaria, waigwa ???

Rule Seven

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you wanna be on time for the movie, u should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Ol KAlau Bridge. So young man, instead of just standing there, why dont you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car ? 

Rule Eight

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. (hahaha). 
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. (haha, Kwani she glows in the dark??? ) Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. 
(hahaha, a grave yard perhaps ?)
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts (wat is this ???? , lol ) or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. ( hahaha, ebu ngoja .... hahahahaha ) 
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. ( ROTFLMAO ) 
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
(N the father of the year award goes to ........... this nikka right here 4 sure !!! Yaani, av sared, mad props, 10 nil !! )

Namba 9

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, 
dim- witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.(ummm .... Megamind ?? ) 
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not njoko njoko ( joke joke )
with me u little imp !

Naba Kumi

Be afraid. Be very afraid !!!!!  It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. ( thats a vietnam joke 4 the slow ones :-) ) When my alias, Agent Njoroge, starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Mikono juu juu !!! Eh ?? Usitoke kumarege marege !! Arafu, speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then urudi kwa the thing u call a car - there is no need for you to come inside. Hapa ni kwa Maina wa Kimani wa Joroge ! Hujulikani na hutakikani. 

N yes, the Camoufragd face at the widow is mine. Tosha !!!  Bradi F****n !!!

N that is wea it hit my pal, kama baba yake ako hivi, WASHANA NAYEEEE !!! GOMONGO !!!! Bt truth be told, we'l all be fathers n this rules will come in handy ! :-)