SMACK !!!!! Wat it does, wat it do, wat sslanging?? NOPE !!! okay, habari yenu ? NOPE ! wat does some1 have to do to get guys going on this blog ! CHOKA SSSsssana ! Manze av just sipped some " JET Fuel" ( to some you call it coffee) in the office and am all engines runnin, just wish i could make it Irish coz considering this ICE COLD weather and the noise coming from my knees is very unusual, hehe, because someone just asked " kwani hiyo cricket kwa hii ofisi iko wapi ? Ama ni mtu alikuja na kayamba ( a shaker ) kwa ofisi ? "
So the official 1814 t-shirt is out, for a cool ksh. 2400/= i.e. kwa bei rahisi :-) u can be the proud owner of an 1814 T-sho, full printed with the "1814 beer laws" at the back and "CheGriffin" print at the front. photos of the same will be uploaded in a while and u can order online, and if u asking in wat size ? Kama ManyaKEEEEH ........ ALL sizes ! SMACk !!! :-)
Oh and for every 10 t-shoz bought, yaani ukinunua kumi, u get original Beats by DRE monster earphones ! Proceeds go to the less fortunate wallet at the back of my pocket :-)
Now, as the El Presidente of 1814, this week i have hand picked the very best of what beer has to offer. U know like when u wake up in the morning and u feel like as if ur head is the same size as your pillow, well here are a couple of symptoms u should look out 4 when drinking beer and what action u should take to avoid having a mellon head in the morning.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer. Just look for that friend of urz mwenye hanyamazangi , ati he can buy beer for days on end.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation. :-)
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. :-)
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out. my friend, wanakutupa nje.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward. hehe, umeanguka mzeeiya.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward. face first ! hehe.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing. Masaa ya Mututho imefika ama u just drank some F***d up chang'aa.
ACTION: Panic. :-)
SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see anything in your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter. Wasee wa mtaro mnajijua.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. uko karibu kumwaura ( vomit )!!!
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up at you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. Hehe.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. Hii hatutaki !!!
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered in to the wrong party. Usiogope.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak. Most likely walikupatia pilsner , hehe !
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. Preferably TUSKER !!!
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
Now i am assuming by now kama ulikuwa umekaza sura , ur smiling atleast :-) My job 4 the day is done . Nw buy the t-shirt and let a bratha get paid :-) Anyhu, 4rm that t-sho no profit is being made but from next month, they going for 3000 bob :-) so am thnkn getn them nw would be better 4 u, bt if u have ur own plain t-shirt of cos the price will go down. Nw i dont wanna water the blog and sound like a %@$#%#^ salesman so al go right ahead and deliver the joke of the day.
Now, am sure we have all had the constant argument that " HUYO MSICHANA ANAKUNYWA NINI ?" ama , " HUYO CHALI ANAKUNYWA NINI? " and what you drink and what its supposedly says about you , right ? So, here below is how it has been interpreted and i took the courtesy of tweeking it abit :-)
No PUN INTENDED :-))
So ama start off with the ladies ( Ladies ..... am such a Gentleman :-) )
IF A WOMAN DRINKS:
Drink : Beer.
Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool, (hahaha ! I like )
Drink : Blender drinks with umbrella.
Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the bum.
Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy. ( Hehe, okay I know i dont want )
Drink : Mixed drinks - no umbrellas
Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Approach : If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink. ( Okay, where is she am so ready ? :-) )
Drink : Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask)
Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation. ( hehe, msee ni kufyam )
Drink : Bacardi Breezer ( I think Smirnoff Ice falls here )
Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has absolutely no clue.
Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in. ( Hehe, SMACK !!! )
Drink : Baileys
Personality : Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach : Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub. ( hehe, mara hiyo hiyo )
Drink : Shots (Vodka, Aftershock etc.).
Personality : Hanging with male pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.( hahaha ...)
Approach : Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait. ( hehe, i dont really know, but lets wait see ? :-) )
And now to the boyz.
IF A MAN DRINKS: ( As always, very simple and clear cut.)
Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid. ( haha )
Cheap Domestic Beer ( Senator/ Obama/ Keg ) : He's poor / student and wants to get laid. ( hehe)
Premium Local Beer ( Tusker ) : He likes good beer and wants to get laid. ( hehe, i think i fall here )
Bitter : He's old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid ( hehe, ka budaa )
Imported Beer ( Heineken ) : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid ( very true, hahaha )
Wine : He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid. (Ume-pAtikAnaaaa !! But there must some gayness to this :-) am just saying )
Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would have sex with a warm scarf. Desperate to get laid.
(hahahaha, pole mzeeiya ! Wasee wangu wa ka naps, ka viceroy, ka smirnoff vodka, mko wapi ??? hehehe )
Port : Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.
Whisky : He doesn't give two brass farthings about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid. ( haha, that's why we drink Chivas Regal nikka !!! )
Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
( hehe, i have NEVER tasted Jack Daniels, but i think this one wamedanganya )
Tequila : " Piss off you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something with a pulse ".
(N thats why i say NO !!! NOOOOO, NO, NO, NO NO, NOOOO !!! to tequila :-))
Bacardi Breezer ( Smirnoff Ice ) : He's GAYYYYYYYYYYY !!!! (Blatantly, PUN INTENDED, hapa hakuna cha story mingi )
So ladies and gentlemen, which are YOU ????
Till the next episode ( N yessss, i know..... it is not a series ..... so F*** off !! N i say it in the most polite way possible )
KLAT OUT ! BRAP !!
CHOKA SsssssssaNAAAA ! SsssssssMACK !
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