Weight Loss Plan

So today kicked off with a thunderous screech of the brakes, almost hit a bloody traffic cop, but in my defence where the EFF did he come from, twaz like he teleported from the inner lane to the outer lane, but lucky 4me impecable driving skills have never let me down so i kinda knicked him ! Of cos Mzee Jomo Kenyatta came to the rescue and the whole Kibera law court scenario was avoided. Thea was no way i was seeing myself responding to a vioja mahakamani anecdote ...

" UNAKUBALI MASHTAKA AMA LA ? " ..... 

I.O.N. my pal Jose Omera threw down the krazziest hauz warming/ bday party ever. Sprained my back while creating the music playlist but no one wants to believe that story. Had a hard time tryn to explain to the chic sitted next to me that the weef she was catching in the air was the deep heat I had sprayed on my back and not a musky cologne i was tryn out, but 4rm the way i didnt get a number from that dandei, we can assume that didnt fly ! :-)

So Samuel Wanjiru had to watch an explicit porno wit the mrs. n go do " THE PLUNGER " .... Nw 4 all those people in the business who have done this move don't live to tell the tale ,as i hear its a career ENDING move ! So please folks stay away 4rm the balcony or raise em guard rails, atleast if u know uv taken ur wife to court before n publicly humiliated her ! Sad he had to go out the game that way, but i hear he had his Nike's on ..... hmmmm...... probably to ease the landing ! ( OUCH ..... yeah yeah yeah, I KID I KID !! am sorry ! )

So the joke of the day comes from sm1 in the office, mad props , unajijua ! 

A man rings up a certain company n orders their 5-day, 10 kg weight loss program.

The next day, theaz a ka knock on the door n there stands before him ..... a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old dandei dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike ( no pun intended - lol ) running shoes n a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

So bila ku think twice , c tha nikka akamchomoa mbio, teke teke !

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, akajiweigh ...... 10 kg as promised gone ! Brap !

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 kg program.

The next day theaz a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok ( PUN INTENDED - lol ) running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Naye huyoooooo !!! Rubber, wakazikwenda, shortie mbele yakezz, kijiko !!!  Boys na manyege nyuma yake teke teke !! Nikka alikuwa asha ona vile atadish hiyo samo akiikamata ! :-)

Blunder 2 ni moJA !!!!

The girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, another 20 kgs gone! BrAP !!! Manze si hii kampu iko na plan ingine wazimu ! So mwishowe na tamaa ikam-mek, chali si akaamua he was going for broke ! 

He calls the company to order the 7-day/50kg program! MAMBO BWEREREEEE ! Lo !

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day theaz a knock kwa mlango, n when he opens it, he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but PINK ( should i say it, should I ...... they must have been NIke's .....) running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads," IF I CATCH YOU, YOU ARE MINE !!!"

Nikka  lost 63 KG that week. Hahahahahahaha ! 

So all of u fat geezers out there get ur NIKE shoes on ..... n  LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ! 

The views expressed in this column are not of KLAT KING but of all the people who wish he thought like this. I will not be sued coz of this ! Thank you ! PG 22 !